Me: I put a wooden bowl on a piece of red satin and Tom put those weird twig-balls in it that I found on clearance at Target.
Also Me: Where’s my phone?
Me: Try to focus. Listen. That satin isn’t texturey enough. It needs something rustic, rough, under it, like… twine. It needs a pop of red in it to match the red pieces in the balls. It should be round like the balls and the bowl.
Also Me: **snort** You said, “balls.” **giggles**
Me: Um, yeah. Ok. Clearly, I’m on my own here. Hmmm. Maybe I could crochet a circle with twine! And add red yarn to the twine! Texture AND color! Yeah!
Also Me: Um, wait. You’ve never crocheted in the round. You’ve never mixed two really different fibers. Maybe you should teach yourself to crochet in the round with one strand of plain yarn first? And then make a small square with mixed fibers first?
Me: Weren’t you looking for your phone and giggling when I said, “balls?” Go get a glass of wine.
Also Me: On it.
Me: Puh-lease. Why waste time crocheting a circle with plain yarn? And crocheting a small square with the two fibers? How different could it be? I’m going to teach myself a new thing with two mixed fibers which I’ve never done before! Yeah!
Also Me: Here. You’re going to need this wine.
***Two Days Later***
Me: ZOMG, WTF was I thinking?! This is hard! If I have to rabbit this and start over again one more damn time, HEADS WILL ROLL. And this twine is really rough and I have to keep spinning it because it gets twisty. And I thought this was thick enough to go really quickly and it’s not. And I’m totally bored with this.
Also Me: I feel like I tolja. I’m not completely sure. Because, Me.
***Three Days Later***
Me: I finally figured it out. My pointer fingers and thumbs feel like someone took a palm sander to them. And since it’s not going as quickly as I thought it would, I’m so bored with it.
Also Me: Where’s my phone? Oh, here. Hey, why don’t you just stop that and go get some softer, finer twine and start over?
Me: START OVER? No! I got this far and I don’t want to start over. I already spent all this time getting this far.
Also Me: That’s dumb. Leave the house. Get the soft twine. Start over using more suitable fiber. Do it better, do it right. It’s not like you have a deadline. **snide stage whisper** You could’ve gotten 200 more shots culled in the time you’ve wasted.
Me: Duh. We don’t leave the house. And, “Do it better, do it right?” That’s just crazy talk. And, the work? Double shuddup.
Also Me: You’re just mad because I’m right.
Me: I said, SHUDDUP.
Also Me: Where’s my phone?
***Two Days Later***
Me: FINALLY. It’s 11″ diameter. It’s DONE.
Also Me: But your hands are ate up, it took you three times as long because you refused to practice the new things, you’re so sick of that project you’ll probably never do it again, and you shoulda been working. Hey, have you seen my phone?
Me: SHUDDUP, JOY SUCKER. I should bunjee cord that got dam phone to your got dam leg. Screw the phone, where’s that damn wine?!
I love you, Ana! Christian says constantly. Anastasia, like a squirrel with a head injury, in turn wonders whether or not Christian loves her. Could it be love? “I love you, Anastasia,” Christian would say, again, and Ana’s horny rodent brain wonders anew if it was, in fact, love. Then she’d “misbehave,” and Christian would hiss that he wanted to beat her up, and Anastasia would get super turned on, but also scared. For a thousand pages.
Yeah, that about sums it up. I literally LOLd throught this review, that P.S., has spoilers. snorts
And, FINE, OK, YES, I’VE READ THE TRILOGY TWICE. So sue me. It’s like crack, but junky crack, and you just can’t not do the junky crack because you MUST find out what dark alley with a dead body in a dumpster you may end up in.
Once upon a very hot time, Crazy Chicken Lady checked her chickens before closing the coop for the evening and she observed Phoebe panting and holding her wings away from her body and got worried about heat stroke. So she brought her in for awhile to sit in front of the fan. And stepped in poop on the way in. And was holding a chicken so she couldn’t wipe it off. She walked funny to keep it off the floor. Then Phoebe pooped on the floor. And Crazy Chicken Lady realized this was really stupid and decided to clean her foot and take the fan out to the coop instead. The End. *curtsies*
Edit 3/25/2011: My Knitted Knaughties made their debut at a party I did last Friday. This is how they came to be.
P.S. They have been tentatively named “Tab A” & “Slot B.” BY MY FATHER. See Also: high pitched voice AWKWARD. –the management
(There’s some vaguely not safe for work pictures and video if your boss is a total douche-canoe. If your boss is pretty cool, actually, you’re going to need to call him/her in to show them the knitted naughties.)
Well, hi there! said in Ellen Degeneres’s voice as Dory
About five weeks ago, I had an idea. A wonderful idea. A wonderful, terrible, phenomenally hawsum idea. But at first I couldn’t figure out how to make it happen. I emailed a few of my favorite bloggers who knit. I struck out. I emailed a few IRL friends who knit. I struck out.
THEN. I got a wonderful idea. A wonderful, terrible, PHENOMENALLY HAWSUM idea. You know who could find someone to help me? My favorite bloggers who I have read since 2007. She’s probably your favorite blogger, too. And if she’s not, she SHOULD be. True story.
From: dory -at- cantrememberdiddly -dot- com
Subject: Something NOT having to do with knitted reproductive systems (I’m totally lying.)
Date: February 23, 2011 10:27:06 AM CST
To: jenny -at- if you want her email you need to do the legwork because I did dammit dot com
I sent you a message on Facebook, but maybe it got lost in the shuffle. Or, my subject field, which was,”Crafting realistic genitalia for fun and profit (Seriously.)” alerted Facebook censors, which begs the question, Have they MET you?!?! 😀 I’ll choose a different subject for the email and maybe it won’t hit your spam filter.
Hi, I’m Dory, and I’ve been reading your blog for about three years. Coincidentally, I have stains on my hard wood floors from spitting various liquids due to sudden uncontrollable laughter while reading your blog, but, that is neither here nor there. Which makes me wonder where it is REALLY, because if it’s neither here nor there, where else could it be, I mean, besides up Al Gore’s left nostril, which is totally possible for anyone who invented the internet. Anyway.First of all, I have to tell you that you are totally my hero, actually, heroine, which is not at all the same as heroin, except now that I consider it more carefully, yes, yes you are totally my heroin. My heroine AND my heroin. I shall refrain from breaking into “You are the Wind Beneath My Wings” now, which is good because 1- you couldn’t hear me anyway and 2- I am Deaf so it would be a new and improved version of horrifying.
I have a special request. I have looked all over the internet for it, and not only did I not find even close to what I was looking for, I am now psychologically scarred for life and have wonderfully terrifying new issues to take to my therapist.
I wanted to run something by you to see if you would maybe be willing to help me. I would run it by my readers, but I have, like, 3, and they all said they can’t fulfill my request. THANKS A LOT, 3 READERS.
Ok, before I tell you what I’m looking for, you have to know that I’m a Passion Parties consultant but not one of those total crazy stalker, over persistent, 5 voicemail leaving, kind of consultants. More like the 2 facebook page having, good sale giving, sex education imparting, kind. I got into this because the job market, oddly enough, doesn’t have a whole lot of room for a Deaf whacknut. Screw you, job market, if you haven’t figured out that Deaf whacknuts would make you infinitely more interesting. Kind of like when you get drunk at a party to be more funny, except totally not like that.
Ok, here’s the deal.
I did a party Friday night, and I was trying to show the girls how one of the c-ring toys work. I was having a hard time explaining that you could put the vibrating bullet on the clitoris or down on the perineum. I thought, I wish I had a fake vagina and penis that wasn’t creepy or skeevy so I could just go “this goes here and that goes there and viola!” Then I thought, what about knitted or crocheted ones? Then they’re actually kind of cute and funny not porny and skeevy! I went on etsy but couldn’t find what I wanted. I asked a few different knitters I know, but they said that sort of project was beyond their capabilities. I even asked Schmutzie because of that cat with the butthole and the Louella the Crack Whore she knitted. She said it sounded like a really fun project but she didn’t think she had the technical know-how to do it. But I love her even though she couldn’t give me a knitted vagina and penis combo, and if that’s not love, I don’t know what is.
The penis would be really easy I bet but the vagina would be kinda tricky. I think I would want to have it, like, picture a doll that got the top cut off right below the belly button (or right above and give her a cute naval ring) and then at the top of the legs so you just have the important part of the torso and pelvis. Kind of like if you took a chain saw to a mannequin except less weird. I would want it to have a tube going in for the vagina so I could insert the knitted penis. I would want it to have lips and a clitoris, maybe even one that peeked out of a small hood like a real clitoris. I would want the skin tone for both to be neutral, not white or black, maybe a hispanic skin tone. I would like the penis to be uncircumcised, and be kinda realistic with a head with a frenulum and a scrotum and about 5″ to 6″ long and an average girth so it doesn’t intimidate any of the men at the couples parties. I would like both to have dark pubic hair but not any longer than 1/2″ to 3/4″. I would like it to be the small, tight kind of knitting so the stuffing doesn’t show through at all. Maybe that tight kind of knitting is actually crocheting, I’m not sure. Hey, remember that one episode of friends when Chandler walks in and sees Rachel’s boobies through the holes in the afghan? See also: I may watch too many Friends reruns.
So I thought maybe, perhaps, possibly, you would be willing to reach out to your readers (cheese and rice, you add 35 to 40 EVERY DAY to your FB!) and see if any of them have the talent to make this sort of thing. Maybe even make it a contest or something. I’m just getting started in this so I don’t have a lot of cash and we’re about 27 seconds away from foreclosure (which is GREAT for depression by the way) but I think I would be able to offer $100 in free Passion Parties product for the finished vagina and penis. If you think it would take more, I could do $100 in product immediately and $100 more product in one month. I’m sure people wouldn’t want to do the whole project just for the chance to win, so I’m not sure how they would throw their hat in the ring, maybe submit pictures of their knitting/crocheting past projects to show their talent? plus a goofy essay “Why I Can Totally Knit/Crochet a Stellar Vagina & Penis”? I’m not sure, but I have a hunch your readers would LOVE to see the entries. Then you could choose the winner and I could give you the prize to give to your readers, I could even give it to you beforehand to show you I won’t flake out on you.
Take a look at my “Info” on my facebook profile and that should hopefully prove to you that I’m not a total douche-canoe. I have links to my blog (which I’ve mentioned you to my three readers a few different times) and my Passion Parties online catalog and my Passion Parties Facebook Pages which come in Mild & Wild just like hot wings. Except less messy and you don’t have to tip me. Unless you want to. Because we’re out of toilet paper and Tom doesn’t get paid until next week. So I’ll probably “borrow” some from the gas station restroom.
Thank you, Jenny, for listening to my verbal diarrhea and please know that if you say no you’re not interested I will totally understand and there will be no hard feelings. You have total immunity from getting unsubscribed in my Google Reader for life or longer.
And promptly forgot about it and moved onto other more important things, like tax refunds and finishing Lost.
But Jenny didn’t. Jenny emailed me back and told me clearly I was insane but in a good way (she TOTALLY gets me) and that she would see what she could do.
I would have been happy with that. Because, DOOD. JENNY. EMAILED. ME.
Louise and I emailed back and forth a little and much, MUCH faster than I thought would happen, Louise sent me PICTURES. Pictures of PROGRESS.
I am not a crier. I got a little emotional when I saw these pictures, I can’t lie to you; I got a little misty-eyed.
Because I was so. Damn. Happy.
That hasn’t happened in a while, and it weirded me out a little at first. But then I just went with it. My heart grew TWO sizes that day.
It is absolutely amazing. I don’t mean amazing like the amazing connection the psycho bitch feels for The Bachelor. As she sobs her mascara off and ugly cries and screams and burns down the mansion.
I mean the amazing that makes me feel like good things can happen to ME.
The blogosphere is astounding and amazing and wonderful, and I am humbled by what we will do for one of our own.
Like use the power of Our People to help a little blogger. Or use the power of our talent to help someone we’ve met online for four minutes.
It’s an absolutely beautiful thing. And I’ll never forget it. Pinky swear.
So here’s what you need to know!
Here’s my shop’s Facebook Pages, Mild and Wild. “Like” one or both. I offer access to secret specials and sales there, as well as articles, tips and techniques to enhance your romantic relationships. Here’s my shop. Go there. Click Shop Online and have some fun. I’m only $23 in sales away from hitting a milestone, which would be $1500 in sales for March, and only $523 away from $2000 which would mean I would bonus for the first time and get $100 bonus. Just sayin’.
Here’s Louise’s shop’s Facebook Page. Check it out. “Like it”. Offer her a challenge. Tell her you want something weird knitted. Buy something. It will make you more interesting and better liked. I mean, look at me! Now I can be the sex toy lady with the Knitted Naughties! I feel more popular already!
I love you, Jenny! In a totally non-practicing-lesbian-lover-but-questioning kind of way.
I love you, Louise! In a totally non-practicing-lesbian-lover-but-questioning-and-considering-a-threesome kind of way.
I sincerely hope that Jenny and Louise and I get to meet and hug and clink drinks together someday.
I told Louise that Jenny and I would be hiding in the Ladies Room and she would need to be on board with this, but I’m pretty sure it’s still under consideration.
But most of all, I love you, Mah Peepull. I rillyrilly do. Especially you and you who have been with me since 2007.
Because even when I’m a complete guanomaniac, you love me. Even when I go weeks at a time without inspiration to write, you keep me in your reader and encourage me when I do put something up.
big wet sloppy kisses all around and jumping up and down hugs too
OH. Almost forgot to tell you.
Pending a clean background check, TOM HAS A BIG BOY JOB. That pays him what him and his master’s degree and his $80k in student loans are worth. If anything bad comes up on the background check, Tom’s just going to say he was drunk. Folks will excuse you from all manner of transgressions with a well played, “But you see, I was drunk.”
My party last Friday was $837. My best party EVER. DAMN.
I’m still in shock. After all the SHIT that we’ve endured, and cried over, and prayed through, FINALLY, good stuff is happening.
Thank you, God. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. God, you are SO good.
P.S. Sorry if you got Google juice on you with all those links up there. But those ladies deserve it. Every single bit. You should try it. It’s linky love. It’s fun. It’s good karma. And you need to be hosed down when it’s over. You know you did something hawsum when you need to be hosed down after you do it.
P.P.S. Ok, honestly, I’m not sorry. And you should be blessed by that Google juice that got splashed on you. It feels like holy water and tastes like Lucky Charms and goes down like KoolAid.
P.P.P.S. Mmmmmmmmmmm, Lucky Charms.
P.P.P.P.S. I’m magically delicious.
P.P.P.P.P.S. And so is Embrace, the edible lube. The vanilla tastes like, (guess what?) Lucky Charms. Now, THAT shit is magical. It’s in my shop online under “Lubricants.”
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. YOU. ARE. WELCOME.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. In honor of Jenny, I’m offering a sale good thru 11:59pm Sunday night. If a sale on sex toys doesn’t say love, then I don’t know what does. Anyway. 1 person can take 25% off their order, code WOOHOO25. 1 person, 20%, WOOHOO20. 1 person, 15%, WOOHOO15. Got to www.designyourpassion.com click through to my website and click on Shop Online. Try the first one, and if it doesn’t work, try the next, etc. Have fun!