And then, WHOOOOSH, her head burst right into flames.

IMAG0002.jpg

Forgive the crappy picture, but remember, my son dropped my point and shoot which was kind of a POS anyway, so I was using my camera on the PPC. 

I’m pleased to report that Elli’s new heater is working out just dandy for her. Note the hot pink inside her right ear and the panting. It has a handy thermostat so I can set it to go off right before her little head bursts into flames. So, she is once again crime-fighting in the wee hours of the night, and Cedar Rapids is a little safer on her watch.

Ah, I note the looks of confusion from some of Mah Peepull. I shall explain. You see, my little Jack Russell Terrier has been unveiled as Ghost Dog. She bursts into flames in the middle of the night and heads out on her skateboard (she can’t exactly take the motorcycle; no opposable thumbs) to fight the forces of evil.

It’s quite an interesting story how this all unfolded. Don’t worry; they’re quite short. I beg of you; partake and enjoy. Part OneTwoThreeFourFive

Rip it, roll it, and punch it, dude. Please note the fire extinguishers positioned conveniently adjacent to each of the exits.

Second verse, same as the first.

Oh YES I DID. And I’d do it again.

And speaking of the Ellister… I’m going to assume that your reader just forgot to tell you about the Ghost Dog posts. Or maybe you all went on vacation simultaneously, or perhaps the tubes in the internet vacuumed the posts back up. Because it just couldn’t be that you didn’t find those funny. I mean, I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but I was giggling to myself as I was sitting here writing it.

Just in case your reader might have possibly maybe malfunctioned, here is part 1part 2part 3part 4… and finally, part 5. *slips a little nitrous oxide through the NetTubes to help the happy funny gas and the ensuing verbal cocaine comments along*

Rip it, roll it, and punch it, dude… because my name is Dory, and I am a comment whore.

‘Fire Fiasco’ Whodunnit Solved

By Roxanne Simpson
The Gazette

CEDAR RAPIDS – Panic-stricken citizens of Cedar Rapids collectively sighed in relief as a mystery was solved. And a neighborhood on the SE side feels a little more safe at night.

After The Fire Fiasco in mid-January, leads were scarce; but tireless law enforcement officials continued their investigation. In late January, clues led detectives to a home on the SE side. After an intense struggle, a woman alleged to be a house sitter was subdued and taken in for questioning. One officer was injured in the takedown. The residents at that address contacted police after the woman used her one phone call to alert them to her whereabouts. She is now committed to the psychiatric ward at Mercy Hospital pending a competency hearing.

The melted metal tag belonged to the canine residing at that address. After intense deliberation between Detectives and the residents, several clues were pulled together and a puzzle solved.

Evidently, the dog made some sort of pact with the devil, bursts into flame in the middle of the night, and rides a skateboard downtown to fight evil by burning the souls of wrongdoers with her blazing eyeballs.

Law Enforcement officials have dubbed her Ghost Dog.

The fuzzy little crimefighter used a bathroom heater to recharge her head during the day so she would be ready after dark to right the wrongs of society with her own four little paws and flaming skull.

A neighbor reported actually witnessing an appearance of Ghost Dog, although he didn’t realize what was happening at the time. Later, he was distressed to see that his stuffed squirrel collection had been reduced to ashes as well as the small fort that he had built to house them in the backyard.

“I thought Jim Bob was burning his trash again so’s I moseyed on over his way. I sawed through his window he was watching them wrestling midgets again, he ain’t burning his trash anyways. Next thing you know I hear’d a rumble soun’ned like a freight train a’comin’. But ‘stead t’was this big fire ball moving all by itself.”

A little emotional, he stopped to compose himself, nervously smoothed his mullet, and continued.

“That ball of fire flew by and ‘fore you could say ‘aw dadGUM ball of fire anyways’ the squirrel fort was just gone. Some of them stuffed squirrels was my Grandad’s. I’ll sure miss ’em.”

Among the casualties of the Fire Fiasco in the wee hours of 01/15/08 were a prominent local landlord, a mailman, a meter reader, and several squirrels.

In a press conference, Detective Hoohah stated, “The landlord, we can understand the threat perceived by our own little flaming harbinger of justice. He was not a well-liked member of our fair city. He could be in court several times a week, either suing and evicting his tenants or being sued himself. He’s shamelessly bilked considerable amounts of money from those who can least afford it. He’s been found guilty of insurance fraud. He’s the epitome of pure evil to his very core. I say, good call, Ghost Dog.

“The mailman and meter reader deaths were an unfortunate misunderstanding on the part of Ghost Dog. She understandably found their presences threatening and jumped to the erroneous conclusion that they were evil.

“The squirrels were completely understandable. There were witnesses to them deliberately taunting her. They undoubtedly had it coming to them.”

The sparky little dog’s owners were remarkably nonchalant about the situation.

Mr. Hunky explained, “We tied it all together when a bathroom heater broke and a week passed before it was replaced. She was just so despondent for that week that she couldn’t press her head up against the heater. As soon as the new unit was used, the next morning we found the burned carcasses of a rat and a rabbit in the backyard. That’s when we put two and two together and figured out that we have Ghost Dog.”

Mrs. Hunky added, “Yeah, so I guess my Jack Russell Terrier is Satan’s bounty hunter and burns the souls of the evil with a blazing, spirit-piercing Penance Stare. Awesome.”

Warning: Contents May Be Hot. Or Freezing. Or Something.

OK OK OK, Winter. We get it.

Snow. You has it.

You’ve shut down entire towns. You’ve made your point. Now back it off or I’m going to have to hurt you a little bit.

We’ve got 12 inches out there with a couple inches of solid ice underneath. Perfect.

I’m not sure I can stand the children home again for another friggin’ snow day. Do you suppose, when the children are still in school in July making up snow days, that they will have the Fourth off for fireworks?

******

We almost had a crisis here at Chez HunkyDory. Remember how much Elli loves jamming her head just as close to the heater as possible? Well, the heater worked a little too well, turned on itself, and committed suicide. When I hit the button to turn it on and nothing happened, Elli’s face was priceless. Mother, what seems to be the malfunction? Try it again. I fussed with it some, unplugged and replugged, shook it, closed one eye and peered deep into its vents, to no avail. Now she was desperate. Mother, why have you ceased the precious heat, and thus your love for me? Make the heat come out. I’ll be good. I promise. I tried to explain to the poor little fuzzy girl that I would have to go buy her a new heater, but she plunged into a deep depression that lasted a full half hour. Which in Jack Russell Terrier Time is approximately 3 days. She even tried to make do with the regular bathroom heat vent, but it just wasn’t the same. She even rested her head directly against the grate, but this was a sadly inferior substitute. She flopped flat on the floor, head between her paws, and emitted a heavy despair-laden sigh. She looked up through her eyelashes at me as if to say And what have I ever done to you, Mother, to deserve such a heinous punishment? I pray, just tell me, and I shall attempt to make amends immediately.

I shopped for just the right heater for my fuzzy girl. It had to be just right. The heat output had to be low to the ground and not too concentrated, because this fear I had of her trotting out of the bathroom with her head aflame was quite powerful. A few days ago, I found just the right one at Target and brought it home for her. As soon as I took it out of the box and placed it on the floor, it’s as if she instinctively knew exactly what the new gadget was before I even plugged it in. And now the delicate balance to the universe has been restored, and again all is right with her world. She does love her some intense electric heat.

Rip it, roll it, and punch it, dude. That’s hot.

Key Found to Mysterious Disturbance in Downtown Cedar Rapids

By Roxanne Simpson
The Gazette

CEDAR RAPIDS – Terrified Cedar Rapidians may soon have some answers regarding the Fire Fiasco that hit the town last week. After the mysterious disturbance in downtown Cedar Rapids, in the process of cleaning up the debris, investigators found a melted metal tag that may indeed be the key to the identity of the suspect. The metal, partially curled by intense heat thought to be caused by the strange fire, had an engraving that reads “If found, go to www.getmehome.com” and what seemed to be some sort of serial number. The CSI division of the Cedar Rapids Police Department, after hours of intense investigation, were able to crack this code. Clues led them to a home on the SE side.

The home owners at that address were not immediately available for questioning. A person claiming to be taking care of the house in their absence told investigators, “You go to hell. You go to hell and you die. Thanks.” Neighbors report that Detectives took her down with a taser and kneeled on her neck. With no small amount of trouble, they wrangled her into the back seat of the squad car and took her in for interrogation. Witnesses report she screamed obscenities so vile they would rival a trailer trash lover’s quarrel called on a Domestic Disturbance situation with a “Cops” video crew in attendance.

One law enforcement official was sent to Mercy Emergency with an ear bleed. The remaining fellow officers huddled together and snickered. One commenting hospital official reported, “He’s in stable condition. We see this pretty often in rookie officers with Virgin Ear Syndrome. He’ll hear funny for a couple days, but we’re confident he’ll pull through just fine.”

The Cedar Rapids law enforcement officials want to encourage the community to remain calm as the investigation progresses. Be assured that police are very close to bringing a suspect. Authorities expect to have more information once the alleged housesitter is sedated and questioned.