I may have to beat him with his diploma.

When I graduated, I had a party. I had just spent 18 months completing a five semester graphic design program at my local community college to earn my AA. That day, I got up, and Kizzle and I went to The Five Seasons Center to go through the ceremony with 1500ish other graduates.

It was a HUGE deal for me.

I had attempted college about 10 years prior. It wasn’t pretty, people. I did one semester at Kellogg Community College and one semester at Glen Oaks Community College, both in Michigan. Then I moved to Iowa and brought my barely 2.0 GPA with me and transferred it to the community college here. I met Hunky a couple months in, in French class. That semester, I got an A. The next semester we started dating, and I took French II. I got a D. I was working full time, going to school full time, and then later, also planning a wedding. I decided to take a semester or two off because I was just exhausted, and no closer to deciding what I wanted to be when I “grew up”. Fast forward about 10 years and two kids later. I had been separated from my husband for almost a year and bought a house alone. Before I even made the first house payment, my paid-off car died so I had to buy a car and take on another payment. Before I even had a chance to make the first car payment, I got laid off. I knew that there was nowhere else in Cedar Rapids I could make the same amount of money as at the job I had just lost. I decided that 1- I was going to have to go back to school and B- I was going to have to finally decide what I wanted to be when I grew up. I knew it was going to be challenging. My GPA had hit a new low: 1.6. But since then, I had also been diagnosed with ADD and my hearing was degrading much more quickly than I had anticipated. But I had also done a lot of work with a psychiatrist and therapist for coping mechanisms for ADD, and had a bright shiny new hearing aid. It went even better than I thought it would. I had earned all As and had brought that 1.6 kicking, screaming, and crab-walking like Regan in The Exorcist all the way up to a 3.492. The only regret that I had was that I missed wearing honors cords by .008.

Now we’re back to that day, maybe even the best day of my life, my graduation day. I had finished something. I had accomplished something. I had found an occupation that I would have gladly done for fun. It was an amazing day of celebration. Kizzle and I had bought brand new Cons for the occasion; hers bright yellow, mine bright green. Our families would be able to pick us out of the 1500ish graduates in the procession with identical gray mortarboards and robes. My mom, step dad, sister and sister’s best friend had come from Michigan for the occasion.

We went through the graduation ceremony and that night, we all went to my favorite bar and all my friends were there; even one of my professors! It was probably the best night of my life. We ended up closing down the bar and then going to breakfast afterwards. I passed out in the back of my sister’s Durango on a tire iron. I was so passed out, I was laying on a tire iron and could not have moved off of it if it was 1000 degrees and had ten penny nails soldered on spiking out of it. It was hawsum.

When Hunky was just a little ways away from getting his AA, I asked what he wanted to do for his party. To my surprise, and well, intense irritation, his answer was a resounding “Eh.”

Which I met with a sputter-y “What?!”

He explained that he wanted to wait until he got his BA for the, I believe he called it, “rigmarole.” Because this wasn’t really a big deal, you see.

You what to the who now?!

After I gave him the tongue-lashing he was begging for, and he got done backpedaling and reiterating what a ginormous deal it was to earn an AA and how proud he was of me for attaining that achievement, we simply left it at that. The AA would go by quietly, and we would throw him a huge bash when he graduated with his BA. Okfine.

Now he’s announced that he didn’t turn in his application for graduation form by the deadline, but hey, it’s no big deal because we’ll just have a party when he gets his Masters!

Oy, vey. I could just smack him. But with my luck, he’d enjoy it.

What do I win? Are there at least some fabulous parting gifts?

NaBloPoMo It’s been one of those days that makes me hate NaBloPoMo. I have several different ideas for something to write about; however, each one would take more effort than I have the energy for. I could have done a Weekly Winners post, but do you think I remembered to take any pictures this week?! Hay-yell NoooOOOoooo, I did not.

I went to church (15 minutes late AS USUAL, I think people would have a heart attack and die from surprise if we showed up ON TIME) and then sat in the coffee shop and chatted with friends while the rugrats were in kid’s church. Then I went to a friend’s baby shower and actually ATE (ok, I admit it, I only SMELLED) the baby food (Oh, alright, I admit I licked the spoon on one of them) during the baby food game. Got home around almost 4:00pm with the full and good-hearted intention to write my blog post and then finish the laundry.

I sat down here at the computer several hours ago. Let’s see how many things I came up with to do to procrastinate writing my blog post.

  1. Read a couple comments that I got from Maggie linking to me. *waves frantically at Maggie*  Everybody say, “HiiiIIIiiii, Maaaaaaggggggie!”  We love Maggie, people.
  2. Rejoiced in the lovely fact that I picked up another 8 subscribers since yesterday. Everybody say, “HiiiIIIiii, New Subscribers!” We love New Subscribers, people.
  3. Cleared my Google Reader.
  4. Read a few blogs that I have bookmarked but not yet in Google Reader.
  5. Wasted some time in Google Analytics, SiteMeter, and StatCounter.
  6. Wasted some more time in Blissfully Domestic. p.s. I have some really exciting news about this website I can’t announce yet, but soon. I don’t want to jinx it.
  7. Remodeled my sidebar with Tabbed Widgets. That alone took a couple hours.
  8. Cleaned out my inbox on my hotmail, my yahoo, and my cantrememberdiddly.
  9. Unenthusiastically watched the goings-on in Twitter. Clicked through to several Tweeple’s blog posts that weren’t in my Google Reader.
  10. Went through old blog posts adding categories to the ones I had filed under “x”, where “x” equals “default category chosen because I couldn’t be bothered to add appropriate categories in the first place which would seem like a bad thing until I need something to procrastinate writing a blog post during NaBloPoMo.”
  11. Watched Giants vs. Patriots with vague disinterest.
  12. Sorted and put away papers on my computer desk.
  13. Put autumn candy in my glass candle holders. Candy corn, pumpkins, and caramels with sticks. Hawsum. Lit a whole bunch of candles in the living room. Thought, Hmmmm, caramel.
  14. Went to the grocery store and got popcorn, ice cream, and a caramel apple with peanuts.
  15. Ate the caramel apple with peanuts.
  16. Went through my pictures in Bridge half-heartedly searching for inspiration.
  17. Looked through the folder full of pictures I’ve had since March to write my how to do a nine-patch machine quilt. Saw a picture of my gramma’s sewing scissors and remembered that was when I lost them.
  18. Turned my couch upside down and unstapled the bottom material to see if Gramma’s sewing scissors fell through the cracks and inside the couch. Nope.
  19. Sat for a good five minutes thinking about how I will always spell scissors correctly, because I still remember my Speak & Spell spelling it out in that monotone computer voice.
  20. Played in Photoshop. Added Hunky’s goatee to my face. No, you can’t see it.
  21. Well, ok, maybe you can, but later. Damn, that would have been a good post right there. Dory. FAIL.
  22. Put a load of wash in the dryer and another in the washer.
  23. Got really desperate and mixed two different bags of potting soil and re-potted two of my ivys.
  24. Decided I need to buckle down and get it done. Went to flickr looking for inspiration.
  25. Then…

Hunky: Are you writing anything yet?

Dory: No, I’m in flickr looking for inspiration.

Hunky: Would you like me to take my pants down?

Dory: Would you like me to blog about it?

Hunky: *sigh* I’m going to bed.

I am a WORLD CLASS procrastinator. You DO NOT want to take me on. I will open a big stinking BARREL of PROCRASTINATE on your ass.

Where do you send the fire truck if Teh Innernets go up in flames?

Well, my people, when I last left you, I was rocking the PMS as only I can. I then ran out of Strattera.

Now, allow me to explain that one of the delightful side effects of Strattera is loss of appetite.

To the estrogen laden population of my readers, and the testosterone-y ones who have estrogen-laden significant others, I don’t need to explain this next revelation. But just in case there’s one or two readers who I dunno, possibly live in a frat house on a men-only campus on another fooking planet, I will state the obvious. One of the equally delightful side effects of PMS, is increase in appetite.

Yanno, it’s a damn shame that none of you lovelies ever came to visit me here in wonderful Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Because it’s gone now.

PMS + No Strattera = I ATE CEDAR RAPIDS.

Oh, and, AND, I was so sick of my blog and trying to make heads or tails of CSS, had I had any cash, I would have paid some unsuspecting programmer damn good money to write some very cunning CSS that would spontaneously combust My Blog and also all of Teh Innernets Tubes.

But a week (ish!) later, I present to you the bright, ditzy, happy, scattered, perky, (tah-DAH!) DORY that you’ve come to know and love. And of course, a corrospondingly bright, ditzy, happy, scattered, perky, (tah-DAH!) POST.

What I did on my blogcation, by Dory Mae Blue-Tang

  • As previously mentioned, devoured the thriving metropolis that is Cedar Rapids, Iowa. And then ordered dessert. Ok, desserts. Ok, ok, desserts and more appetizers.
  • Attempted to put a dent in my unread items in Google Reader, but mainly just did damage control.
  • Even left a respectable amount of commenty love. Bonus plan, baby.
  • Reveled in the incoming verbal cocaine commenty love from you, my lovelies, my people.
  • Folded approximately threeventy-bijiggijillion loads of laundry.
  • Revived Hunky from a dead faint upon his recognition of this momentous occasion.
  • Cheated, and played with the blog just a tad.
  • Hated myself a little bit, and briefly considered surrendering my WordPress username and password to Kizz.
  • Woke the fook up and realized it would just make her drunk with power and I’d never regain possession.
  • Actually enforced the boys’ chore list by saying, “Are your chores done?” every time they asked to do something fun.
  • Got a tiny, delicious little thrill by their outrage every single damn time.
  • Went on an immensely enjoyable ALL DAY motorcycle ride. Look, it’s me!
  • Showed remarkable restraint; narrowly avoided eating Prairie Du Chien, Wisconsin by sneaking parts of Cedar Rapids in the saddlebags for snacking.
  • Wrote several stellar blog posts in my head.
  • Didn’t write them down. They’re gone. For EVAH.
  • Watched Napoleon Dynamite. Good thing my brother gave me this disclaimer prior: “It’s really, really, stupid and has no plot whatsoever. But if you can get beyond that, it’s hilarious.”  He was right.
  • Farted around waaaay more than I should have on Teh Innernets Tubes. Conducted diligent job search.
  • Wasted, oh, a lifetime figuring out Facebook.
  • Found an ex on there. No, not that one. That one.
  • Sent the boys back to school.
  • Came home and did a couple tequila shooters in celebration.
  • Not really. I find it kind of creepy to lickitslamitsuckit at 8:15am. But, you get the gist of my happiness level of having my house back in relative peace and quiet for a few hours every day.
  • Considered quitting smoking.
  • BWAAAHAHAHAHahahahahahaha… wouldn’t it be trippy if I was really like that?! *wiping tears of laughter away*
  • Watched the DNC.
  • Important Announcement: Here’s your favorite born and raised Republican actually entertaining the notion of voting Democrat.
  • Daddy, please don’t disown me. Please. You’re looking especially dapper today.
  • Now I’m going to watch the RNC. And honestly give those candidates a chance. I’m pretty sure. We’ll see.
  • Finished a project I started SIX YEARS AGO. I’m SO proud!
  • Yes, I know. That shelf is crooked and the plywood doesn’t cover the whole back. Shuddup. It’s in my basement.
  • Updated the OS on Hunky’s PPC to Windows Mobile 6.1. Which is a lot trickier than it sounds when you’re doing it via Virtual PC on a Mac.
  • Managed not to kill any innocent bystanders in the process.
  • That brings us to now, when I’ve been working on this post on and off for 4 hours while also twittering and facebooking and blogreading and other really productive uses of my online time.

Of course you’re all waiting with bated breath to hear who is getting the coveted $20 Starbucks card. Well, you’ll just have to wait a minute.

I just want to thank you so much for all of the comments and even some lovely casa-warming gifts. It was a hell of a party down there in the comments. It really means so much to me that you’d take a minute out of your blogging time to leave me some commenty goodness. I really appreciate it, you guys.

Ok, ok, I’m done with the mushy bullshit. Without further ado…

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Maggie, email me your address and I’ll have your free caffeine hook-up on its merry way!

Next on the To Do or Die List: respond to emails. Then: Play with theme– I want the sidebar headers green, the post titles orange, and the Top Commentator List is all janky. The line-height is too big. But I’m a little scared to get into and start changing code. I might break my blog, or blow up Teh Innernets, or order 27 pizzas, or re-activate that speeding ticket in Michigan, or choose a running mate with less experience than my opponent after slamming my opponent on national TV for not having enough experience. Oh, wait, I don’t have to worry about that because it’s already been done. D’oh! Did I type that out loud?!

Rip it, roll it, and punch it, dude. I’ve been great. Don’t forget to tip your waitstaff.

In which I become Gainfully Employed; not near as much fun as one might think.

Yep, I’ve rejoined the rat race.

And… AND… I’m a temp. Doing data entry. I’m looking at the data on the paper, and typing it into the computer. Times infinity frickin’ squared.

It’s like watching a video demonstration of How To Watch Paint Dry For Fun And Profit.

The ADD lobe of my brain is screaming and wailing a rancorous lament.

This new pastime is going to cut into my valuable blogging time. I’m a little bitter.

I have 3 or 4 posts that are still cookin’ and I might be able to knock one of them out this weekend. But rest assured that although you may not see as many comments from The Dory on your blog, I am certainly keeping up with all of you.

BTW? Kids have winter break? WTH is that? We have Spring Break around here in March for a week, is that the same thing or do you have both? Goodness gracious, the kids cooped up for a week in the house in the winter? Who thought that dreaded torture up? Probably some sadomasochist. Although if it is both, Dory feels your pain, as we have had like, a jettikillion snow days and somehow I managed to pull through them somewhat unscathed. The walls now have dents in them that were inflicted by the boys literally bouncing off the walls.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, because I am very thankful that HunkyDory can start digging themselves out of the canyon of debt that they’re in. I just wish I could, like, not want to inject taco sauce into my eyeballs with a 28 gauge needle while I’m at it. And did you know that 5am does actually exist?!?! I find myself having to rise before the chickens and the butt-crack of dawn. I forgot 5am, and it is with sour remembrance that 5am bitch-slaps me semi-conscious. And reminds me for the rest of the day that I am, indeed, her bitch.

Rip it, roll it, and punch it, dudes. Make sure you grab your travel mug full of coffee for the trip.