‘Fire Fiasco’ Whodunnit Solved

By Roxanne Simpson
The Gazette

CEDAR RAPIDS – Panic-stricken citizens of Cedar Rapids collectively sighed in relief as a mystery was solved. And a neighborhood on the SE side feels a little more safe at night.

After The Fire Fiasco in mid-January, leads were scarce; but tireless law enforcement officials continued their investigation. In late January, clues led detectives to a home on the SE side. After an intense struggle, a woman alleged to be a house sitter was subdued and taken in for questioning. One officer was injured in the takedown. The residents at that address contacted police after the woman used her one phone call to alert them to her whereabouts. She is now committed to the psychiatric ward at Mercy Hospital pending a competency hearing.

The melted metal tag belonged to the canine residing at that address. After intense deliberation between Detectives and the residents, several clues were pulled together and a puzzle solved.

Evidently, the dog made some sort of pact with the devil, bursts into flame in the middle of the night, and rides a skateboard downtown to fight evil by burning the souls of wrongdoers with her blazing eyeballs.

Law Enforcement officials have dubbed her Ghost Dog.

The fuzzy little crimefighter used a bathroom heater to recharge her head during the day so she would be ready after dark to right the wrongs of society with her own four little paws and flaming skull.

A neighbor reported actually witnessing an appearance of Ghost Dog, although he didn’t realize what was happening at the time. Later, he was distressed to see that his stuffed squirrel collection had been reduced to ashes as well as the small fort that he had built to house them in the backyard.

“I thought Jim Bob was burning his trash again so’s I moseyed on over his way. I sawed through his window he was watching them wrestling midgets again, he ain’t burning his trash anyways. Next thing you know I hear’d a rumble soun’ned like a freight train a’comin’. But ‘stead t’was this big fire ball moving all by itself.”

A little emotional, he stopped to compose himself, nervously smoothed his mullet, and continued.

“That ball of fire flew by and ‘fore you could say ‘aw dadGUM ball of fire anyways’ the squirrel fort was just gone. Some of them stuffed squirrels was my Grandad’s. I’ll sure miss ’em.”

Among the casualties of the Fire Fiasco in the wee hours of 01/15/08 were a prominent local landlord, a mailman, a meter reader, and several squirrels.

In a press conference, Detective Hoohah stated, “The landlord, we can understand the threat perceived by our own little flaming harbinger of justice. He was not a well-liked member of our fair city. He could be in court several times a week, either suing and evicting his tenants or being sued himself. He’s shamelessly bilked considerable amounts of money from those who can least afford it. He’s been found guilty of insurance fraud. He’s the epitome of pure evil to his very core. I say, good call, Ghost Dog.

“The mailman and meter reader deaths were an unfortunate misunderstanding on the part of Ghost Dog. She understandably found their presences threatening and jumped to the erroneous conclusion that they were evil.

“The squirrels were completely understandable. There were witnesses to them deliberately taunting her. They undoubtedly had it coming to them.”

The sparky little dog’s owners were remarkably nonchalant about the situation.

Mr. Hunky explained, “We tied it all together when a bathroom heater broke and a week passed before it was replaced. She was just so despondent for that week that she couldn’t press her head up against the heater. As soon as the new unit was used, the next morning we found the burned carcasses of a rat and a rabbit in the backyard. That’s when we put two and two together and figured out that we have Ghost Dog.”

Mrs. Hunky added, “Yeah, so I guess my Jack Russell Terrier is Satan’s bounty hunter and burns the souls of the evil with a blazing, spirit-piercing Penance Stare. Awesome.”

2 thoughts on “‘Fire Fiasco’ Whodunnit Solved

  1. ROTFLMAO!!!!!! But ya knoooooow this straight jacket really sucks!!! You know those spots you get that you can’t quite reach that itch??? well the really suck with this on!!! Some how i really got the raw end of this deal. The drugs are great tho!!! Keeps me lmao.

    P.S. I will continue to smuggle out these fabulous drugs to you so you can keep writing this shit!

    *everyone knows your smokin or doing something to come up with this funny shit!*

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