Mysterious Disturbance Downtown Stumps Police

By Roxanne Simpson
The Gazette

CEDAR RAPIDS – Police were called to several different downtown Cedar Rapids businesses early this morning regarding evidence of strange activity, most of which suggested a huge fire broke out.

Firefighters say that the source of the blaze was not known at this time, but clues suggest that fire had spontaneously combusted several different times over at least a five mile stretch of both public and private property. Dozens of store fronts had windows broken, and parking meters were bowed to the ground, their metal posts melted. Pavement was destroyed all along the stretch, the asphalt melted with two to three inch deep grooves with what appeared to be tracks left by what is speculated to be possibly a Shriner’s vehicle or a Barbie Corvette.

Perhaps most puzzling, the charred remains of a prominent local landlord were found by the Cedar River, whose name has not yet been released pending notification of next of kin. The Gazette contacted the medical examiner who commented, “Strangest thing. It appears that he was burned from the inside. Pretty freaky, man.” Remains of a mailman, a meter reader, and several squirrels were discovered in similar condition.

One eye-witness was found, but gave her statement on the condition that she remained anonymous. “Ok, I was, like, walking home from my shift at Taco Bell? And I was like, crossing the street over the [Cedar] river? And I like, looked down, and like, this like, weird dog I think? Kinda like, that dog on that movie The Mask? But, dude, its head was like, totally on fire and stuff? Only it was like, a skull on fire, not a head? And I was like, dude, your head is totally like, on fire and stuff? And it like, barked but kinda like the Terminator or something? And like, fire, like, shot out of its head, like, whoooooosh! So I was all, like, sorry, dude, I was just sayin’? And it was riding like, this skateboard that was on fire and took off? It like, shot fire out its eyes into that like, gronk landlord guy’s eyes? Which, like, was kinda weird, but I was all, oh well, ’cause that jackass, he like, totally kept my deposit on my last apartment even though I like, cleaned it and stuff? Dude, seriously? It was like, totally trippy.”

Cedar Rapids Area CrimeStoppers is offering a reward of up to $1000 for information leading to the arrest of suspect(s). Anyone with information about this crime is urged to contact CrimeStoppers at 555-TIPS (8477). All calls are held in strict confidence and anonymity is guaranteed.

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