Caution: Contents May Be Flammable.

We have a daily ritual that lasts from Novemberish to Marchish. This is when we have a little heater going in the bathroom when it’s HunkyDory Shower Time. Oh yes; HunkyDory showers together. That may be a tad too Thank You for Visiting the Temple of TMI; Please Drive Through, but I do highly recommend showering with a friend. It saves water and time, it is an excellent opportunity for some private conversation, it puts a dent in the excuse “No, please; I just got clean and I don’t want to get all funky already”, and you’ll have the cleanest backs in the neighborhood. Which, yes I know, isn’t an all that common a competition, but you never know when a Cleanest Back in the Neighborhood Tournament may be announced, and you want to be ready to win the Championship. After all, when you have that silver trophy in the shape of a giant poofyball proudly displayed on the table by the big bay window facing the street, you’ll be the envy of all your neighbors and it will have been well worth the effort.

*blink* *blink blink*

Shoot, what was I saying? ….Ah yes, Elli, shower time, etc. Alrighty then; right back on track we go.

The Shower Time Daily Ritual

Hunky or I say, “Elli, it’s Shower Time.”

She runs to the bathroom as fast as she can. Bringing her ball or comparable toy to pass the time seems to be optional; some days she does, some days she doesn’t. She stands right in front of the heater with her nose pointing at the heater as if it is prey that she has found for master to shoot. If we are too slow in turning the power on, she looks up at us pointedly and barks, clearly requesting we get this show on the road.

“Can we get a move on here, please?”

Now she lays down a pretty respectable distance away from the heater, nonchalantly as possible. One mustn’t call undo attention to oneself, you know.
“Ah, thank you so much, mother; the warmth is just delightful, isn’t it?”

I can’t get a picture of her executing the next step, because she absolutely will not do this until we are actually inside behind the curtain with the showering underway. I’m just not drowning a perfectly nice point-and-shoot for the sake of this one picture, so you’ll just have to take my word for it. What she does is lay her head down on her paws about one inch from the blower, shutting her eyes against the scalding hot air, lest they dry up into little white shriveled peas.

Next, as soon as she hears the water turn off and the shower curtain pull back on the rod, she raises her head and scoots back a little, once again at a normal distance away from the heater, and back into Nonchalant Mode. But as a result of her placing herself directly in front of a blazing hot heat machine, her core body temperature has raised about three degrees. Consequently, some panting is necessary, but is also done in an aloof a manner as possible.

“So… what’s on your agenda today, mother?
I have some very important ball-fetching
and mailman-watching planned.
I may even flatulate noxiously enough to clear
a room if time and digestion permits.”
She will stay in front of that heater as long as we permit it, until her ears are hot pink and she panting so hard she’s drooling a little. One of these days, I’m going to get out of the shower and her little head is going to be on fire. She’ll just trot around the house with her head aflame.

“Oh yeah; that’s just right.”

Rip it, roll it, and punch it, dude. But not near any flammable or combustible materials.

5 thoughts on “Caution: Contents May Be Flammable.

  1. When I had my bathroom remodeled — nothing fancy, just put tiles down on floor and walls and replaced the leaky bathtub (this was a necessary repair, in other words), I had them put in a second shower head on the opposite wall. It’s a real treat 🙂

  2. Now see, I am a solo-showerist. In fact, I get mad if the King tries to slip into my shower.

    My shower time is one of the few moments I can be along…and can stop sucking in my stomach! If the King gets in there, I have to suck it in again.

    A special heater in the bathroom sounds fabulous. Another shower hatin’ thing I have is being cold after a shower.

    I just realized I’m a ragin’ shower b*tch

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