Heeeere’s your sign.

O… M… G…… I am beyond embarrassed. Here is your very favorite Graphic Designer- Typesetter- Proofreader- person and I’ve had this blog up for how long? I worked on the masthead for at least a couple hours trying to find just the right pics, just the right font, and then what? Yeah, about a month later, my SIL points out a glaring typo. “Blaming in on ADD since 2001.” Let’s say I meant that I was really into the hokey pokey and I was putting my blaming in. Yeah, that’ll be good. Maybe I’ll just fake it like the cat does when he falls off the back of the chair and then looks at me awkwardly as if to say, “Yeah, I totally meant to do that.” Thanks, Betty. I am a complete doofus.

So in other news… I went to the Iowa Workforce Development Monday. You see, the Evil Garden Gnome decided to fight my receiving unemployment benefits. So I went in Monday with two issues. One, I did my weekly call in and the i711 operator somehow messed up when she was working with the automated system. I brought in the relay call printed out so the IWD people could figure it out and set it straight. Two, I had to correct the phone number for them to call me for the hearing, so they will call me on the number that comes straight to me relay assisted instead of my old number. OK, so I go in and I tell the receptionist (you know, the one that guards the gates and decides who gets a quick pat answer, and who has a real problem and needs to talk to someone else so the lines doesn’t get held up for days) that I need some help, and that I’m hard of hearing, so I need to talk their biggest loudmouth. She chuckles and says she can help me. I tell her my deal, and she deems my problem big enough to talk to someone else. So I wait for Someone Else. I get Softspoken Woman. Fabulous. But, Ok, let’s do this. I give her the Reader’s Digest Condensed Version of my deal. I explain that I’m hard of hearing but I read lips very well so if I can see her, I can hear her. She’s cool with that, so here we go. I show her the print out of the relay call, and explain what a relay call is. She turns back to her computer and dives into the depths that are the Underground Cave of Iowa Workforce Development. She fusses and fusses with her computer and keeps asking me questions facing away from me towards the computer screen, and I keep answering, “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you”, and she keeps apologizing and repeating herself. About a month later, she sorts through and takes care of that (I hope. You know that sinking feeling in your gut when you’ve just handed your brand new Ming vase to an 18 month old? Yeah? Yeah.) and tackles the next problem. I explain, again, that I am hard of hearing and that the phone number they have listed for me will need to be changed because that’s my old number, and here’s my new number that goes straight to a relay operator who contacts me and does the relay call. She looks at me like I’ve just asked her to put together an Ikea entertainment center with gum instead of screws and only German instructions. I explain again. The lightbulb fizzes a little bit. I explain again. The lightbulb slowly comes up to a full 100 watts. She explains sure, ok, she’ll take care of that, and it may help a lot if I will type up a statement for them to fax to Des Moines, and would I bring it back to her by Tuesday morning? Sure, no problemo. So Tuesday morning I go in with my statement and documents. Same gal, Softspoken Woman, (who, you might have noticed, is not exactly the brightest crayon in the box) takes my papers and looks them over for me. She says they look good and she’ll fax them over, and again makes sure that she has the correct number listed. Good. I’d like to pause the story and recap. We’ve discussed the fact that I am hard of hearing. A lot. Ok. Let’s hit the play button. She asks me in a ‘oh by the way’ sort of voice, “How many words a minute can you type?” I reply 60 words a minute and her eyes light up and she says she saw a job posting that I might be interested in. She goes back in to the depths of her computer and fusses and fusses with it. Finally, she says, “Here it is! This company is URRelay, and this position is a Relay Operator!” and she looks at me like I’ve just won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes. I *blink* *blink blink* and I think no, she’s going to get it in a second. Wait for it….
Still with the Aren’t-You-Excited-To-Meet-Mr. McMahon look.
Oh, man, I’m the one that has to burst her bubble.
I say, “I can’t hear the caller.”
Her turn to *blink* *blink blink* “Oh.”

I’ll just leave it at that.

Anyway, so the hearing was on Wednesday, and they will look at my statement and the Evil Garden Gnome’s statement and decide if I will receive unemployment benefits. If I do, great; If I don’t, eh, it was worth a shot.

Rip it, roll it, and punch it, dude. Word. To your mother.