Wow – all my friends kick my ass when it comes to blogging! So often I don’t write because I can’t write as well as everyone else. I can’t bitch about work, either; have you read some of the horror stories about getting fired for blogging about work?! Go ahead, google “fired blog”. It’ll put the fear in ya.
So admit that maybe I am psyching myself out with LiveJournal. I’ve always written in it like, well, um, a Journal. And then I have to worry about who I’ve given the address to, who reads it, what they think about me and my writing, and what a boring writer I am. So I think I need to change my objective. Instead of thinking of this as a journal and writing all kinds of whiney crap, psuedo-deep crap, maybe I just need to write about what happened in my day like everyone else does. Tom says that I should just write like I think, but that could be potentially dangerous. You might get whiplash of the brain. Especially if I haven’t taken my Strattera. I made Nanner choke yesterday! I’m known for my forgetfulness, my dori-ness, the adorable way I can piss you off with how scatterbrained I am. I told Nanner yesterday that I’m pretty sure Tom has switched out my daily wellbutrin for roofies.
In other news, it kind of sucks going deaf. I can’t participate in the chatter at work, the whole water-cooler talk, ya know. I feel too isolated. I think when the new designer started last June, the shine came off the apple. Remember when I was so happy to come to work? Well, someone shit on my apple. She and Lucille hit it off immediately, and all of the sudden I was chained outside to the doghouse watching them through the patio door having their little slumber party. Then I ran out of meds and actually had to go off them for a while because we had to find an alternate source of funding. Then it took so long that my doctor put me on Lexapro temporarily and I started really having problems at work. And now here I am. I don’t like going to work much anymore. I remember last spring when I actually enjoyed going to work. Lucille and I got along great and I felt like she liked me as a person, and I looked at Amanda (the third designer) and thought, ‘damn, it must suck to be her’. Lucille said things like ‘We like you better’ and now I imagine her saying that to Elise and rolling her eyes ask soon as I turn my back after I ask a question. For the most part, I think once people decide what type of person they think you are, especially if it’s negative, it sticks no matter what you do. I do still enjoy the work that I do, but I do not enjoy the tension filled environment. One time Lucille said what Amanda’s problem was, was that she couldn’t work as a three person team. Let’s look at this. Lucille + Amanda + Me = Amanda was unhappy and it was her fault. Lucille + Elise + Me = Me unhappy and it’s all my fault. It’s like Lucille can only like one person in the trio. I’d say that means she’s the one that can’t work as a three person team. But that’s my opinion. I don’t know if it’s because my hearing is getting worse, if Lucille really does hate me, or if I’m just being paranoid. I hate this. It’s high school all over again and I am a geek and a social leper. I try so hard to make everyone else’s work life easier on them, and I can’t see anyone showing reciprocity. In my work life, I feel I’m good at what I do, I’m a good employee, but I don’t feel valued. I’m not a happy camper.
In other news, it’s kind of cool going deaf. That may sound dumb, but hey, it could be a heck of a lot worse. My signing is improving and I’m becoming accepted into the Deaf community. Many of my friends and family are either already learning to sign or interested in learning to sign. Right now, I can’t communicate 100% at either hearing/speaking or signing, but at least I have a chance at that when I become fluent in sign. I failed my first hearing test when I was in first grade, but nothing was done about it until the Army said ‘Yep, you’re broken, go home, do not pass go, do not collect $200’ then the situation was “validated”, I was “hard of hearing”. But still couldn’t really do anything about it until I was pregnant with Dino in 1999 and since we were on Medicaid, I qualified for a brand new bright and shiny hearing aid that disappointingly enough didn’t help as much as I thought it would. I got to thinking about something the other day. I’m in ASL2 right now and my teacher is deaf so there is no talking in class, only signing. The is the first class I’ve ever taken that I am on completely level ground with every other student in the class. My being hard of hearing doesn’t matter in the least. I don’t have to explain to the teacher and people around me that I’m hard of hearing, I don’t have to sit in the very front of the room and hope that the teacher faces me so I can lipread, I don’t have to borrow people’s notes to see what I missed, I don’t have to ask the teacher questions after class about what I missed, I don’t have to strain to keep up with class discussions… I don’t have to either exhaust myself trying to keep up or fake it. After over 16 years of education, for the first time, I can have the same exact experience and chance as every other person in the class. It’s amazing. But being hard of hearing kind of sucks because you’re in the middle; you’re not hearing, you’re not Deaf. Sometimes I wish I’d either be completely healed or completely deaf, one or the other, no more riding the fence. But I’m also thankful for the residual hearing I do have.
Sorry – I don’t post in forever then it’s kind of a downer. I was thinking about getting a blogspot account and starting with a clean slate, would anybody care if I switched?
Current Music: None
Current Mood: irritated