Happy Friggin’ New Year.

This has been the crappiest Christmas of my whole life.

Gramma passed away on 12-22-04. I can’t really talk about that yet, maybe later.

What is it about my family that makes me feel like I’m drowning in my own mediocrity? Why do I feel so judged, convicted, and condemned by my own blood?

Because I allow it to happen, that’s why.

I can’t wait to get back home to Iowa where I can surround myself with the people who make me feel valued, needed, extraodinary, and just plain good about me. I don’t have to feel like I have to beg for their attention. or annialate my emotions, or be a slightly different version of myself – skewed toward another personality that will make someone else feel more comfortable.

Dino jumped around too much in T’s room and then came out to the living room and barfed on the floor and a little on Papa Pat. My neck and shoulders feel like rock solid iron. I have to spend approximately seven hours in the car tomorrow with an eight and five year old. Calgon, take me away.

If I didn’t have Tom, I would have given up and off’d myself a long time ago.

*deep sigh*

Current Music: None
Current Mood: cynical