I’m all discombobulated.

i saw CAL come online today. she popped up on my contact list. I already renamed her “Nasty ‘Ho-Bitch”. That whole bit still bothers me. When is this going to stop bothering me? When do I stop imagining how great it would be to punch her in the face? What will it take for me to hear her name and just shrug my shoulders?

i saw MW at mcleod today. I went out there to get some papers from Nanner that I had her print off for me. I was standing in the lobby talking to her when he came through with bobbie. in a split second, I had to decide how I wanted to react. I kept looking Nanner right in the eyes and kept talking. I thought that I pulled it off pretty well until Nanner told me that that panicked look shot across my face. damn. I don’t want him to know that he still has that effect on me. but after he walked by, and I turned and left behind him, then drove out of the lot in front of him, I was shaking. I wish things had happened so differently. I wish he hadn’t lied to me. I wish we could still be friends. I miss him sometimes. but I have to admit, what we wanted out of our relationship wasn’t mutual. I wanted a friendship. he wanted tail. I opened my heart to him, told him so many things, and he lied to me about bobbie. he may have rationalized that he didn’t tell me about bobbie because he didn’t want to hurt me, but he hurt me way worse by concealing his relationship with her. he once said, “one day you will regret the things you said to me and the things you did with me.” I was so puzzled by that at the time. now I understand. it makes me so sad. ahh, but hindsight is 20/20. I would have done things way differently had I had all the information. we might have been able to salvage our friendship. he said when we met, they were broke up. he should have told me the instant they resumed their relationship. now I feel like a fool for sharing myself with him. I think what hurt me the most is that after he had given me so much talking up, “you’re so pretty, you’re so smart, you’re so fun to be with”, he still decided that bobbie was more important to him than I was. maybe she won the battle, but I won the war. I was an idiot anyway for even bothering to try to compete. if i’d won him, what would I have done with him? I told him from the beginning that I didn’t want a “relationship” with him. all I really wanted was for him to be my friend and hang out once in a while, play backgammon with me, laugh about stupid stuff, trade stories, be a friend to each other. I still can’t understand, if I meant more than just some tail, why couldn’t he be friends with me and lovers with bobbie? I think at some point I gave him the url to this journal. I wonder if he bookmarked it and checks it once in a while just to see how i’m doing. I hope he’s doing well. i’m sorry I missed your birthday. i’m sorry you missed mine.

where’s my deep well of strength now, MW? it dried up the day I got laid off, that’s what. I have to find it again. I will. ya know what, girls? we admire “strong women”, don’t we? we all want to be strong women. but lemme just tell ya this, there’s a fine line between strong and stubborn. and it doesn’t lie in the courage of our convictions. it lies in the choices we make. a stubborn woman will choose her route and stick to it no matter what, even in the face of new information. she adjusts her blinders and plows on. a strong woman will choose her route considering what is the right thing to do and how it will affect the people around her, and will keep her chin up and her stride steady even as the road rises. she leans into the wind. and if someone offers her an umbrella to shield her from the rain, she ducks under and thanks them. I hope i’m a strong woman. i’d like to think I am. I adjust my path as the road turns. the day I got laid off, I collapsed on that road. and even though I had told Tom I was going to divorce him, he leaned down and helped me up, dusted me off, gave me a kiss on the forehead, and reminded me that I was a woman he admired. any ladies out there can say they’d walk away from that? you’d have to have a heart of steel to do it. i’ve come to see that although what tom did was, some would say, unforgivable; forgiveness is in the eye of the beholder. looking forward, if I had divorced him, I would eventually look for love again. but no man could love me like he can. no man would be willing to treat me as well as he is. no man would work with my flaws as well as he does. no man would admit his flaws as readily as he does, or endeavor to make changes as he does. no man would able to be the father of my babies. has anyone seen “the story of us”? you should rent it. you can’t get it from blockbuster on collins though, because tom went and bought the one off the shelf for me bcus he couldn’t find it for sale anywhere else in cedar rapids. anyhoo, this couple is separating and considering divorce and throughout the film, it doesn’t look good for the home team, folks. so at the end, they decide when they pick up the kids from summer camp, they’ll take them out to dinner somewhere. he suggests a chinese place and she says no, it’s too noisy there, they won’t be able to talk. so they decide on another place. they get to camp, pick up the kids, and all of the sudden, she says to him that she wants to go to the chinese place. and then she goes into meltdown, bawling and is babbling about when archeologists dig into old old old places, there are cities built upon cities as the ages go by. and then she says, “i don’t WANT to build a new city. I like THIS city”. I so totally get that. I don’t want to build a new city. I like this city. sure, I don’t get a week on/week off from the kids, and out of courtesy I need to check with tom before I make plans, but at night tom curls up with me to watch tv and rubs my head. I feel less strong a lot, but tom reminds me that I am a woman he admires, and tells me why. i’ll get there, where I want to be, with his help. I want to feel as strong as I did this summer, but with him. i’m taking the first step by starting school in less than two weeks. I feel scared and uncertain and worried. but things will get better. I have people all around me to give me their support, and i’m so thankful for that. as hard as it was to decide to divorce tom, it was harder to decide to work it out. and there will be pain. but it will be worth the reward. for most of my marriage, we’ve faced adversity, and i’ve said, “it can’t get any worse NOW” and it DOES, damn it. i’ve said, “when do things just settle down and get back to normal???” when does the drama end? i’m coming to realize that i’ve got to put this into perspective. adversity is a fact of life. it will always be there. things don’t ever really get back to normal. and thank God, because if things were always normal, it’d be too easy to take it all for granted, and i’d be lulled into a false sense of security, and one little thing would knock me over. that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. am I weak or strong for attempting to save my marriage? will it kill me? no. so it will make me stronger.

Current Music: emma’s purring on my lap, I can’t hear it, but I can feel it
Current Mood: contemplative