Happy Birthday to me! So this is what 31 feels like. Feels remarkably akin to 30.

i’m so sorry I haven’t written in such a long time. it’s not like I don’t have the time. I just don’t think about it. then when it’s been so long, it seems like it’ll be too hard to catch up. Today I am 31 years old. I sure don’t -feel- 31 though. Tonight Tom’s gonna take me out to eat at the Texas Roadhouse. He asked if I wanted to go to somewhere nicer, but I said no, bcus I know I like their steak. Steak and a glass of merlot. It doesn’t get much better than that, folks. i’ll take steak and wine over any fancy shmancy, silly frou frou, overpriced, eeny meeny tiny portion crap, any day!
i hate drama. had some drama over thanksgiving. dad asked if i’d come over for thanksgiving. I asked if CAL was gonna be there. (her folks always come over to my folks for thanksgiving and christmas.) he said probably. so I said no I wasn’t. I just didn’t want to see her. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. so then I got a vm from her. I guess Stepmomster told CAL what I said and told her that she thought we should iron out our differences for the holidays. I IM’d her sister rachel that day and told her to find out what time CAL would be there and I just wouldn’t be there at that time. so then CAL emails me this:
I left you a voice mail the other day about thanks giving dinner and haven’t heard anything back. I do need to know what is going on because I need to make plans around your decision. I do need to see my family as well as you do yours. Stepmomster vioced that maybe we could figure out our differences and enjoy thanksgiving with our family. I had told Stepmomster a couple of weeks ago that I felt that we could put things behind us for one day and be civil for our family, but obviously you don’t feel that way.

If you don’t want to call please do e-mail me and let me know if I need to stay away to keep the peace. I am more than happy to do that. It is more important for your sons to enjoy the holiday with their grandparents for the holidays.

Please let me know through phone or e-mail and let me know if you want to talk or you need me to stay away because I know that Stepmomster and PDF really want you there.


so then I replied with this:
i talked to rachel about this yesterday. she was s’posed to let me know
what time you’d be there and I wouldn’t be there at that time. I have no
problem being civil. I just don’t want to see you. you destroyed our
friendship and hurt me so bad, and you don’t seem to understand that, or
even have any remorse. I just don’t have the energy to see you and pretend
it doesn’t bother me what you did to me. I won’t pretend nothing happened
and you didn’t do me wrong. so just tell me what time you’ll be there and i
won’t be there then.
and she replied with this:
Why don’t you just plan on being there all day and I won’t come. I have been invited to several other thanks givings this year anyway. I am sure I can see my family another time. I just think that this is silly. I feel that you did me wrong too. You are not the only victim here. We will both have to deal, won’t we? But as to your wishes I will not be there this thanksgiving.
Happy Holidays


i wish that I had saved my reply, bcus it was just smokin. something to the effect that maybe someday she could tell me how the hell I ever did her wrong, and something about how she would certainly know all about playing the victim bcus she’s done it all her life. also something about she better not try to give out a sob story that I was trying to keep her away from her family over the holidays bcus I said from the get-go that I just needed to know what time she would be there and I wouldn’t be there, and there was also no reason she couldn’t have her family over at her place now that she has her own apartment. then Stepmomster sent out this email:

We four parents have talked. We all want to see both of you. Dinner will be about 2:00 on Thursday afternoon. You, two, please work out your relative schedules and tell us when we should expect each of you and who all will be with you?

Thank you!

BJ, PDF, Phil, and Trevor
and I replied:

You said you had plenty of other dinners to go to, and I don’t have any except this one, so you have a tighter schedule than I do. I will be happy to work around your schedule, I just need to know what time you will be at my family’s house.

and she replied:
I have planned to be with Stepmomster and PDF’s in the morning and will be driving to Manchester to see Chris’s parents around 2 or 3pm.

Thank you for everyone’s cooperation.


and that was pretty much the end of that. if she had just told me in the first place what fucking time she was gonna be there, we could’ve avoided all that drama. but she just looooooooves her drama, boy. it’s what makes her world go round. it’s what motivates her, it’s what makes her tick. anything that gets her into the spotlight, man, she’s all about that.
i wish I didn’t hate her. i’ve been trying not to hate her. but i’ve found myself wishing that someone would fuck her boyfriend or that he’d dump her or cheat on her or she’d get fired or one of her friends would fuck her over even bigger than she fucked me over. I know i’m s’posed to try to be the better person. i’m just having a hard time with that. I hope there’s no bullshit over christmas. but I don’t think there will be. dad and Stepmomster are doing christmas with us on the 26th and I think phil and trev will be over there the 25th so I don’t think there will be any drama. I just never want to see CAL ever again in my whole life bcus i’m not sure I could control my anger, and i’d probably go off and punch her in the face and then she’d press charges and i’d spend the night in jail and she could pull her drama queen/poor victim routine that she’s perfected. *back of hand to forehead* “oh, pooooooor meeeeeeee, everyone pity me bcus i’m so pitiful and cute when I fake like i’m gonna cry bcus NO ONE understands me and EVERYONE treats me bad and I can’t understand why all these horrible things happen to meeeeeeee…”

but i’m not bitter. i’m consumed with rage. why why why why why? don’t anybody tell me, just walk it off, she’s not worth it, bcus i’ve tried. I just hold a grudge way too damn well. just ask tom. *giggles* but I did the right thing, I gave her her stuff back when I should have sold it all. she still owes me almost six hundred bucks and i’ll never see it. she has no sense of responsibility. she figures since she stopped sleeping here and just dodged me then she didn’t owe me any rent even though all her shit was here. I was thinking, about the time she stopped coming home was about the time her and naomi got in a big fight and naomi said either give her her bed back or pay her for it and then one morning CAL told me that if naomi showed up with a truck at my house to lock the doors and pretend I wasn’t home so she wouldn’t be able to get it but I didn’t do it, I was home at the time and the doors were wide open. so naomi came in and moved out her bed. then CAL said she was gonna get her futon from rachel so she’d have something to sleep on but then that’s when she started avoiding me. but she didn’t stop coming home then, that was the second or third week in september, and she had stopped coming home the last week in august, so she didn’t stop coming home bcus she had no bed to sleep on. she stopped coming home bcus she owed me money and didn’t want to face me. even though I had told her more than once that if she didn’t have the money to pay me, to please talk to me about it. but she didn’t. bcus if it’s uncomfortable, she sticks her head in the sand rather than facing it like a grown woman. unless she has a drastic change of heart, she’s going to go throughout her life the person that chases the next thrill and using people until they’re exhausted and then making new friends and using them until they’re exhausted. what’s going to finally bring her crashing down is that she makes all her decisions based on what feels good right fucking now with no regard for long term, oh hell even short term consequences. I think she’s going to burn all her bridges behind her until she’s got none left. but then again, she can always build new unsuspecting bridges! she will never buckle down and take the harder road to make her life better. she will always float from job to job, man to man, and she will always be an incurable hypocondriac so she can play the drama queen victim that she is so comfortable being. see, if she’s all pathetic and pitiful, people will continue to coddle her and won’t tell her off the way they want to. except me. I bet I was the first one to completely go off on her. I admit, it felt good. it felt reeeeal good. i’ll bet almost as good as punching her in the face. see there I go again, I need to quit letting her get to me. that makes her win, and I don’t want her to win. she already lost when she lost me as a friend. she’s a taker, and she always will be.
i gotta go get in the shower. i’m going to go to mcleod and play cards and drop off some candle stuff for nikki and Nanner.
well, tune in next time folks, and i’ll tell ya a little story about the symphony and introducing tom to my stuff2do group!


Current Music: tv prattling on in the background
Current Mood: contemplative