I hate having a soft heart. Why couldn’t I just be a cold hearted bitch?

CAL showed up tonight to pick up all her stuff. She said she wrote me an email to let me know, but she sent it to my msn address that I haven’t used for a long time. So why couldn’t she call me? Here’s the email she sent me:

From: “CAL”

To: Dory @msn.com
SubjecTom: Message from CAL
Date: Fri, 17 Oct 2003 15:39:38 -0500

I would like to come and pick up my stuff on sunday morning.. I need to collect everything from all houses and storage for my new apartment and could only get a truck for Sunday. If you are at church could you please leave just the bottom locks locked and I will leave everything else for you on the kitchen counter as always.

If you could also switch the tv’s for me so that I can take mine that would be great. Don’t worry about hauling the other one up the stairs you can leave it in the kitchen if you would like.

It was great to hear that you got your cat and that you are really seriously thinking about going back to school. That would be really great for you.

I know that I still owe you money but I have used up all of my savings for the apartment. I have cleared everything else so I should be able to pay you back with my next walmart check. We can get together after the mess of sunday and talk about the rest of that stuff.


Talk to you soon.


This is my response to her:

Well, I just got this after you left. I had no idea you emailed me since I don’t use this address anymore. My primary email address is Dory at hotmail.com. So when you showed up this afternoon, I was caught completely unaware. I sent you a letter, return receipt requested, on Tuesday, and I’ll find out who signed for it. So I can’t help but think you got it, and that triggered the email and the events today. But that doesn’t matter much, now does it? Chris said that you didn’t receive it, so I’ll attach it to this email. You’re probably going to be shocked at the bill, but considering that you’ve been ignoring my calls and voicemails and probably deleting them without listening to them, you wouldn’t have known that I said that I was going to add the 10% late fees and the Non Sufficient Funds charges UNLESS you contacted me. But you didn’t contact me, so I added them per your actions, or lack thereof. We had an agreement that you would pay me rent, and pay your bills, and you were not adult enough, responsible enough, to do that. You wrote me three checks. They bounced. You must have had notice from your bank that these checks bounced, but you weren’t woman enought to let me know right then, and make amends. You promised me payments on your rent and put me off repeatedly. You’re going to realize later on in life that responsible adults don’t do that. They pay their bills on time, especially with priority to a friend that’s trying to help them, and that is counting on it to help make THEIR bills.

Let me start by saying… whatever, woman. Gimme a break. What did you expect me to do, just lay down and let you walk all over me? I’m supposed to sit here and just hold unto your crap indefinItely until it’s convenient for YOU to get your stuff out of my house? No. I don’t think so. You said just a couple months ago, both of us are trying to assert ourselves and not allow people to walk all over us like doormats, and we were going to help each other with that. But you expect me to stand for you just disappearing and then ignoring me. No. Not gonna happen. I’m going to give it my very best shot, and then when you shit on me, I’m not gonna bend over for you to just stick it in my ass. Bzzzt. Wrong answer. But thanks for playing. We have some really shitty parting gifts for ya, folks.

Your email below just shows how fake really you are. You try to sound all friendly, but I know that you don’t give a shit about me, or my kittens, or me getting laid off, or me going to school, or my divorce, or my kids, (gosh, you haven’t had any interaction with them for at least two months after you professed love for them, oh wait that was when you were in a drunken stupor), or for that matter, anything about me at all. You made that painfully clear to me when you turned your back on me when I needed your support the most. All you care about is getting your stuff back. I stuck by you through thick and through thin, and this is the thanks I get. I don’t know why I have the nerve to act surprised. When we look back at your history of friendships, who has been there longer than me, besides your family and JDJ (who could probably be considered family anyway, considering our parent’s friendship.) NO ONE. I’ve ALWAYS been there as other people come and go from your life. I think that you lack friends with history bcus with friendships that you make, either the novelty wears off, or they’re not giving you the undivided attention you think you deserve, or they don’t have anything else to give you that you need. So you just disappear bcus it doesn’t benefit you any longer. You have your projects, like Amber, where you didn’t talk to her until she was almost about to have her baby and you could say, well, I’M at the hospital with Amber, and this baby is gonna be here any minute, so that everyone is like, “oh how wonderful CAL is! Isn’t she just the greatest!” I bet 2 weeks after Amber had her baby, you disappeared from her life. And if you didn’t, it’s bcus she still was able to give you the attention and spotlight you crave. You go through your life chasing drama and playing the victim and making choices that perpetuate that drama so you can say to everyone, “oh poor me, oh pooorrrr meee. I’m so misunderstood and put upon.” News flash, CAL. IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. The world does not revolve around you. And if you weren’t so damned selfish, you could put yourself in other people’s shoes for just long enough to realize how your actions affect other people, AND you might feel a little remorse for the pain you’ve brought on other people. I have never had ANYONE, EVER, on God’s green earth EVER treat me as badly as you treated me (not even Tom). Maybe someday, someone will treat you the same way you treated me. Maybe someday you’ll look back on this episode honestly and realize just how horribly you treated me. Maybe you’ll feel some remorse. Not likely, but possible. And you said below that you were going to pay me when you get your check from walmart. Forgive me for not holding my breath. I was never a priority for you. Not once did you pay your rent on time per our agreement. But somehow, you always had money for beer and for going out. I was always last on your list, proven by the fact that you have NEVER paid me rent on time, not even ONCE. And your statement that “we’ll get together after the mess of sunday”, well, forgive me again for not holding my breath. If you ever do contact me again, it will be for your own selfish means rather than any concern at all for my wellbeing. Oh well, shit happens. With friends like you, who needs enemies?

Seems to me things started to go downhill when we went to St. Louis. The morning we got there you announced that you had no money bcus walmart screwed up your check but you’d have the money on Friday. I volunteered to pay your way until then and then Friday came and went and you never offered to settle up with me. You just let me keep paying your way throughout the vacation. Then you never paid any of the gas for the trip when we agreed to split it three ways. Then we got back on Sunday night and that was the last night that you slept at my house. Monday night you started sleeping at Chris’s place and never stayed at my house ever again. Maybe then you rationalized it that you weren’t staying at my house anymore so you didn’t owe me any more rent. But you never talked to me about it, you just dodged my calls and ignored me. In the real world, CAL, adults don’t get to just stop paying their housing expenses because they don’t sleep there anymore. Perhaps that’s how you rationalized it. But you were wrong. That’s not how the real world works.

Chris said this afternoon that you have written our friendship off, and that it didn’t hurt you, and that you were already over it. Well, I admit it, CAL, that hurt me. But I guess that just goes to show how much I cherished our friendship, and YOU didn’t. But I know that I did everything in my power to try to work out our deal, and protect our friendship. MY CONSCIENCE IS CLEAR. I tried to call you several times and you saw my number and sent me to voicemail. I left several voicemails, and you deleted them without listening. You hate confrontation so much that you will avoid anything uncomfortable at all and instead of dealing with it, you’ll stick your head in the sand and hope your problems will go away. Well, they don’t. They get bigger.

I’m probably the best friend you ever had, and I stood by you for seven years. Way more times than I can care to count, I’ve laid awake worrying about you (remember when I told you that I was losing sleep worrying about you with Sean, and I’ve laid awake worrying about you very recently) but no more. That’s YOUR loss, CAL, NOT mine. Someday I will forgive you for treating me so badly, but you won’t know it, bcus you won’t contact me, bcus it’s “uncomfortable” and YOUR comfort level is more important to you than OUR friendship. Again, YOUR loss, NOT mine. All I wanted was for you to be there for me and support me as I have done for you in the past, and you let me down. But my REAL friends were there for me and got me through just fine, and they continue to be there for me and care about me. I’m thankful for THEMW. Thank God for my friends that stick by me when I need them, not just when there’s something in it for them.

You said, “I had to find a place to live.” No, you didn’t. I WANTED this all to work out for both of us. I gave you every opportunity to work this out for you to stay here, and for our friendship to be great. I tried to talk to you, I tried to call you, I begged, I pleaded (via voicemail since you were ignoring me) to speak to you and at least let me know you weren’t dead in a ditch. I tried SO hard. In the very beginning, I considered the prior living arrangements you had with Sean and then with the Drama House, and I thought, ‘Ya know what? I’m gonna make this a nice place for CAL to come home to. She deserves to have a safe, peaceful place to rest.’ Fat lot of good THAT did me. I did your laundry, I kept things clean, I welcomed your friends, I made you dinner, I partied with you, anything I could think of to make you happy. And you abandoned me. You turned your back on me. You just disappeared from my life and left me wondering, ‘what the fuck did I do wrong?’ Now I realize I didn’t do anything to deserve the way you treated me, and this was YOUR bad, NOT mine. I have no idea on what grounds YOU justified writing off our friendship after I did nothing to deserve it. But I know in my heart that you have no grounds for writing off our friendship bcus I did everything in my power to protect it. And if it’s not precious enough to you for you to protect it, well, you weren’t the friend I thought you were in the first place and it’s no big loss to me in that case.

IF you reply to this (yeah, right, like that’s gonna happen, you’ll probably delete this without reading it bcus it’s UNCOMFORTABLE) please reply to Dory at hotmail.com bcus I cancelled my msn account and didn’t even know the email was still active.

You’ve went from man to man to man through the years, (not unlike myself), and I pray that cycle will break and you’ll realize your own worth without it needing to be validated by a man in your life. I pray that you see your own beauty and value in your own heart independant of a man. I pray that you’ll find the strength and love within your own heart to live independantly. The opinions of a man should not dictate your own worth. I pray that you lay down at night and see in your own heart the deep well of strength that you possess completely independant from any other human being on earth. I loved you like a sister, CAL, and I don’t regret that and the good times we had. I do regret the great times we would have celebrated together in the future. I miss you already. I do pray blessings upon you and yours, CAL. I wish peace and prosperity upon you.


Current Music: None
Current Mood: disappointed