rollin’, rollin’, rollin’….

FINALLY. i’m on my way on my vacation. I think one of the coolest feelings in the world is when you’re walking out of work knowing that you won’t have to return til ??? the girls were outside waiting for me in the ‘stang. and off we go! we threw our stress and tension out the window on the interstate. I thought that after I closed on the house, my stress level would lower considerably. but i’ve found this is not the case. there was/is drama with Fiona. now my car is dead and I am facing actually having a car pymt for the first time in 3 years and I haven’t even made my first house pymt yet. it seems everywhere I turn, there is something to worry about and freek over. what with the house worries, there for a few weeks, I was actually going a couple days at a time w/o even thinking/agonizing over whether I was going to divorce tom or not. now lately I find myself coming back round to that more often. he’s helped me out way beyond the call of duty, but as he explained it to me, if he is considering taking an action to help me, he has to weigh it carefully between if he feels comfortable helping me that much and whether i’ll take an adverse reaction to him saying no. it’s complicated. sissie, I wish you were here close to me. I wish you could see inside my heart. when i’m away from you for a length of time, I start to worry about what you think of me and the decisions I make. I realize it’s all my decisions and my life to live, but I also want you to be like, “i like my sister as a real person, not bcus I kinda hafta bcus she’s my sister.” sometimes I worry that you are leaning toward’s tom’s side. I have other stuff happening in my life that I want to share and i’m scared that you’ll feel that tom has a right to know and tell him. but now there are certain areas of my life that are none of his damn business and I want it that way. his actions put us here in this situation. and don’t worry bout your boys, they are doing fantastic. tom and I are maintaining an odd sort of relationship at this point that is conducive to the boys adapting to this potentially damaging deal. I think we’ve done a good job still presenting a united front, as in “even tho we don’t live together, we’re still mommy and daddy and we’re still going to enforce each other’s parenting decisions and discipline” I had the boys for a week and a half, from 2 weekends ago til last weekend, and i’ll be honest with ya, it was rough. but I pulled it off, and i’ll pull it off again and again. halfway thru the week, I picked up the boys one night and Rocky said, “where are we going?” I said, “we’re going to mommy’s home.” and he said, “i want to go to my real home.” CAL was with me and as I swallowed my tears, she talked with Rocky about it. about how sometimes this was going to be difficult, but how great was it that he had both a mommy and a daddy who love him so much and want him to be happy. *sigh* I haven’t had a full week away from tom yet. what with him coming over to help me out by fixing electrical stuff in my house, and last weekend while Rocky was in michigan with aunt t, I had Dino and tom spent pretty much the whole weekend with me. it was mostly bcus I had no vehicle and we spent saturday running our errands together then sunday he helped me tear down my waterbed and then put it back together on the opposite side of the room. so it’s kinda like this: when I have time away from tom, honestly I don’t miss him much. but when he is around and just leaves for a little bit, I kinda look forward to his return. and ok, i’ll admit it; he’s no slouch in the sack. he’s had 9 years to figger out my buttons. and ooo baby, does he know how to push them. i’ve got other buttons too tho, and he knows how to push them too. sometimes it seems like he pushes them knowing full well how much it upsets me. sometimes infuriates me. i’ve started really really getting to know myself this year, and I like me. I like being on my own. I like making decisions and not having to be questioned or challenged. I make my decisions on my own, and I face the consequences of my actions on my own. without his two cents worth. most of the time. if I decide that I want my marriage to live, that doesn’t mean BOOM he’s back. and there’s so much more that i’ve found that i’m dealing with that is just as important to me as his affair with carrie. he is a difficult man to live with. he’ll be the first to admit it. he loves to argue. I hate it. he loves to talk, he thinks out loud, and I do my best thinking on my own, in my head. i’m easygoing and adaptable to a change in plans. he hates any change in plans and will throw a huge fit against it. sometimes it seems like these differences are almost insurmountable. sometimes it seems like too much to go back to. I don’t know if that’s me recognizing my limits to what I have to tolerate, or me needing to be more patient. how long do I agonize over this??? simply put, i’m not happy sharing my life with him. i’m happy being on my own. i’m hoping that the next 5 days will take some weight off my heart. I have been living with a level of stress this year that would have felled lesser women. but i’m still standing. i’m tired, but i’m still standing. i’m weary, but I can smile. i’ve come to have a newfound thankfulness, gratefulness to my wonderful girlfriends. we women are amazing, aren’t we? except for two days a month, I enjoy being a girl. i’m comfortable in my body, i’m comfortable in my mind. i’m confident in my own skin. I like me. maya angelou wrote a fantastic poem called “phenomenal woman”. it speaks to me. I think i’m learning to be comfortable with my happiness, rather than searching in vain for happiness, and existing in Blah-Land.

Current Music: None
Current Mood: peaceful