Last night Tom dropped the boys off at McLd and they begged to go back to Grampa PDF’s house. So we went over there and they had a blast. We played Uno and JDJ, KRJ, and Sarah took them outside and played and played and played. I took them back to Tom’s around 9pm and tucked them in and waited for him to come home. He got there around 10:15 and I got up to leave. Somehow we got on the subject of the affair, don’t ask me how, I don’t remember. Oh God, he makes me feel crazy. I know that’s like, not, mentally correct or something. But I don’t know how else to say it. Here’s his main point last nighTom: “You have to take your part of the responsibility for this.” *shakes head* HUH??? “If you hadn’t been depressed and distant, it wouldn’t have happened.” *speechless* “You should have called a doctor.” *still shaking head* “I’m not saying it’s all your fault. I’m not saying you drove me to it.” you’re not? funny, that’s what it sounds like. No. I will not take responsibility for Tom choosing to have an affair. I didn’t do anything wrong. I was sick. I couldn’t reach out. He could see what I was doing – sleeping 12 hours or more a day, not speaking to anyone, remaining distant, not doing anything to participate in life. He could have called a doctor and said he saw these signs and gotten me in. I would have gone. He said “You wouldn’t have gone. You would’ve found an excuse not to go.” I would have gone. He said “I wasn’t near a phone. I was working long hours.” So he never drove by a HandiMart that had a payphone? He said “I didn’t know what to do.” I said, “So you screwed my best friend? That was your solution?” He said, “Ok, I guess I had that coming.” Damn right he did. He made those vows right along with me, to be faithful in sickness and in health. And he broke them. No, I will not take part of the responsibility for Tom having an affair. I won’t. He said, “Maybe this is something to bring up with Duh.” Fine. No problem. He said if I can’t take part of the responsibility and not take any of the blame, maybe we should just end it. Maybe we should. Maybe we shouldn’t even wait the six months we agreed on. If I haven’t been able to forgive him by now, am I ever going to be able to forgive him? This happened 3 years ago, and he confessed it 2 years ago. But the hurt is almost as raw as the day he told me. I told him, “You’ve never looked me in the eyes and said ‘I’m sorry I hurt you’.” He said, “What do you want me to do? Do you want me to cry?” I said, “No. I want to see in your eyes that you acknowledge the amount of pain you’ve caused me.” It seems to me that he’s more concerned with like, keeping his dignity than in keeping me. He showed more remorse when I caught him with the cyber/phone sex than when he told me about the affair.
I gotta get the hell outta here (work). I have to drop off my computer at Corey’s and then I have a 6:30 appt to go thru a house.
Current Music: it’s so quiet here at work after 5pm it’s almost spooky.
Current Mood: aggravated