I had a really relaxing weekend. I went shopping with CB on Saturday and then took a 2 hour nap. I bought a new terra cotta plant for the orchid Tom gave me and a pot with cut outs on the side and some petunias to plant in it. On Sunday I slept in so I missed church (*slaps own wrist*) and then went over to Tom’s and watched “Signs” (sucked) and “The Truth About Cats and Dogs” (I just love Janene Garafolo). Last night I got the orchid moved into his new pot (he’s just thrilled) and I potted the petunias in that weirdo pot with the cutouts on the side and this was not an easy task. I almost took a hammer to it.
Sometimes my impulses scare me. I poured myself a glass of wine last night and drank it. I was sitting at the table reading a book (Dark Horse by Tami Hoag, I highly recommend it) and kinda playing with the glass, turning it by the slim delicate leg of the glass right above the base. Suddenly, I got the strongest impulse to pick up the glass and slam it (no, slam isn’t a strong enough word) into the window behind me. Not once. Repeatedly. I wanted to hear the glass shatter and feel it disintegrate and stomp on the shards. Even thinking about it now, I feel my heart rate rise and tears come behind my eyes.
Tom and I got into a big discussion last night about boundaries regarding people of the opposite sex. He was upset that I wouldn’t tell him exactly where I’d been or who I’d been with. I told him all he needed to know was that I wasn’t sleeping with someone else. Beyond that, it’s none of his business. He said, no, it was, because he needed to know where I was setting my boundaries so he could set his accordingly. He said he needed to know, was there flirting? hand-holding? kissing? I said it shouldn’t matter to him where I set my boundaries, bcus I set them for myself, not him. I set them appropriately as to be comfortable with my own integrity. He said he needed to know bcus if he was in a situation, he needed to know what I was ok with so he wouldn’t “get in trouble” later. I told him he should do what he was comfortable with. He was going off about how maybe me leaving was just wanting to be single. No, this is about me not wanting to share my life totally with him anymore. He betrayed me in a way that I don’t think I’ll be able to recover from. I don’t know if I’ll ever want to share my heart with him again. He said that when I wouldn’t tell him where I was or who I was with or what I was doing then he just had to imagine the worst. So sit there and wonder and imagine, buddy. I had to deal with imagining the same thing but knowing it was true. I had to deal with the mental image of him having cyber sex then phone sex with the internet chick. I read the chat logs. Then I had to deal with the mental image of him and carrie together, knowing that he did it repeatedly knowing full well what the consequences would be. This has haunted me for over two years now. So sit there and wonder and imagine, buddy. And if he decides he meets someone and has to decide how far he’s going to go, well, so be it. I left him, and when I did, I also took the risk that he may decide that he doesn’t want to be married to me either. It goes both ways. Once we have separate households and we’re not seeing each other every day, I’m not going to ask where he was or who he was with or what he was doing (not that I’m doing that now). I’m going to work on getting my shit together and deciding what I want. This is not about me finding someone else that I want to be with. This is not about me getting revenge for the cybersex and phone sex and him having an affair with my best friend. This is about me deciding if I can share my life with him after he betrayed me so deeply. This is about me healing my heart and being okay with me.
Here’s the thing; and this is a real question, not a rhetorical one: What does it say about me that I set my boundaries (don’t cheat on me or I’ll leave you) and that he shit on that and I stayed?
Does that say I am weak for letting him get away with that?
Am I strong for trying to forgive him all this time?
Am I weak for not being able to forgive him after all this time?
Am I strong for putting my foot down and stating that I don’t deserve to be treated like that so I’m leaving?
Am I weak for not continuing to try to do whatever I was doing?
Am I strong for recognizing I can’t keep living my life this way? For destroying the facade that perpetuated my misery?
Our relationship is so odd. We still laugh and talk and joke and hug sometimes. And sometimes I can tell that he’d love a small kiss on the lips, and I decide if I can do that, and sometimes I can. In three months, I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times we’ve slept together. It’s been good, it’s been bad. It’s felt phenomenal, it’s felt terrible in the morning. Just a few times, and almost completely opposite experiences. What made the difference? I don’t know.
I can honestly say I still love him. But I don’t think I can trust him or respect him like I did before. What is a marriage without trust and respect?
…further updates as events warrant… 😉
Current Music: Cake – I Will Survive!
Current Mood: thoughtful