Here I am.

Saturday night I posted a status update on Facebook, and Sunday morning a friend mentioned she thought I was awfully bold by putting up that update. It got me thinking about how much we do or don’t reveal online.

So many times I’ve almost put something up, even had it all typed out and at the last second, instead of “Share” I hit “Delete.” I have many and varied reasons why I might choose that backspace key and it’s usually because there is no “Undo” key for Facebook. Yes, granted, you can “x” it out of your feed later, but you can’t “x” out a friend’s hurt feelings or revealer’s remorse. Once it’s out there, it’s out there.

But on the other hand, I better not be doing anything I would be ashamed of putting up on Facebook. For instance, you’ll never see “just stole a t-bone, a mouse trap, and a box of birthday candles from HyVee! SCORE!” or “have the sinking feeling I probably shouldn’t have had chat sex with that married guy from Idaho. Good thing you can erase logs!”

But on the other hand, which is actually a foot, how much have I NOT shared that I SHOULD have or just COULD have shared? Oh, look at me, a blogger pontificating upon where that line is, I’m SURE no others have done THAT before!

How much do you REALLY know me? For reals, dude. I’ve told you here all about my new business selling “Sensual Products,” but hardly any of my friends that profess a mutual religious belief for fear that they would judge me. I checked with The Big Guy in the Sky and between Him and me, we’re good with it. But I still fear judgement from others who follow Him. I’m pretty clear with everyone In Real Life that I have a very strong faith in God and seek to be like Him every day. But I still fear judgement from my online friends who have living rooms set up on the Internet (why did iPhone insist upon capitalizing Internet but not god? Interesting.) that the second I mention God, I’m instantly a Jesus blogger and that they’ll subsequently quit reading me?

So I guess the purpose of this post is to lay out my cards on the table, and then have a panic attack, sure that now EVERYONE is going to flee in terror. Or worse, wander off bored.

Here I am.

In vague order of importance…

I’m a capital B Believer who sometimes says “shit,” rarely drops the f-bomb, regularly drinks but seldom gets drunk, smokes a half a pack a day and considers quitting at least once a month but then doesn’t, and hopes you won’t judge me for it and tries my damnedest not to judge you, and whether you’re gay, lesbian, bi, questioning, straight, single, shackin’ up, hitched, white, black, brown, purple or polka dot has absolutely no bearing upon my love and acceptance of you.

I’m a passionately, desperately, deeply in love wife and best friend of Tom, and well aware that I’m making a choice to be every single day.

I’m a sometimes proud, sometimes exasperated, completely bewildered mom, and I don’t see that bewilderment lifting anytime soon.

I’m Deaf but I’m still learning ASL so I have the passport but it’s not stamped yet, and I wish that everyone signed and that I could sign better than I do.

I’m an artist who is too impatient to create with pencil or paint and instead prefers pixels and Pantone. I use typography and copywriting and kilobytes to share my vision of beauty with you. I’m a graphic designer and feel I am just as much of an artist as any other that chooses a different medium.

I’m a photographer who embraces The Rule of Thirds but is not afraid to ditch it to convey an image in an unconventional way. I tend to find straight-out-of-camera more aesthetically pleasing than over-editing, and shun heavily shopped and over-processed pictures as just another way of polishing a turd. I have rarely liked an image processed like a polaroid but am not afraid of trying it on one of my images just for poops and laughs.

I’m a patient who struggles with depression, anxiety disorder, and attention deficit disorder but strives to not allow it to define me nor turn me into a victim. I use the bad parts of these afflictions to make me and others who struggle with the same problems stronger.

I’m a daughter, a sister, and a damn good friend. But I recognize that there’s always room for improvement. I’m one of those annoying people who refuses to give out a 10 or an A+. Including to myself.

Here I am.

9 thoughts on “Here I am.

  1. My friend,
    Some times, you got to be careful of what you post on any social media sites. I say that truthfully. You can say some things of what you are doing. But be wise in what you post out there on the social media sites. Know why?

    First, there are strangers on all social media sites. They could run a search engine to see who’s away from their homes. Then they can run another search engine to find your home and then come over and rob you. Yes, it’s been done and it happens.

    Second, becareful of what you post about your friends, even about any partners or lovers or fuck buddies that you have. What you post about them can not only impact a friend’s feelings, but they can get way hurt beyond the normal level of friendship. When that happens, they can go out and hire a lawyer who would haul you up by the hands and tell you that you got to pay for what you wrote because what write is obviously can’t be taken back ever.

    In all, we need to take responsiblity for what we write. Especially for what we share personally, of ourselves and our friends.
    Let’s be careful what we say and do. The less we fear of what we write that could bite us back in the ass, the more we can express our joy in the written language of words.

  2. I love ya and I am reminded all the time to watch what I type. Yeah, it bites! I have a bunch of blog posts that have never been posted and have backed off of twitter because my tweets were getting out of my head faster than I could think of the implications.

    I hear ya loud and clear. I am who I am but I’m not Popeye the Sailor Man!

    Be true to who you are!
    Wonder Why Gal recently posted…Flat Stanley is Back!My Profile

  3. I know I’m pretty slow on the uptake, but for the life of me I can’t think of anything that you’ve posted that made me sit up straight and say, “Well, isn’t that special?” in my most drippy Church Lady voice. I even had to go look through your FB wall! Nope, can’t find it.

    Maybe I’m just slow.

    Or maybe I just think you ROCK and I’d never think of judging anything you had to say because I know you’d never think to judge me, either. I think that as long as the Big Guy in the Sky is okay with us all — and I kind of think that something’s been written down somewhere about something called “grace” — then we all just need to be proud polka dot people and let each other wave our freak flags however we wish to wave them.

    — Lisa

  4. Dory. Seriously? My favorite post of yours EVER.

    A few things that we have in common: I love me some Jesus but I also cuss, smoke, and drink. Yeah, so what? It’s who I am, who I have been as long as I’ve known me, so deal. (Yet, if you’re not a smoker I won’t smoke in your presence. I know how you feel about it.) (“You” as in whoever, not you as in Dory.) Also, while I’m not deaf, I have relatives who are (were? haven’t seen them in decades,) and it sparked my life-long love of learning ASL. I’m not good, but we could certainly communicate over a cup of coffee.

    Well done!
    Headless Mom recently posted…Before and After- BedroomMy Profile

    • Thanks, Headless Mom! Seriously? You da bomb diggedy. I take comments like these and store them up like a squirrel stores acorns for a long winter. You should go to my homepage and find the link to my Facebook profile so we can connect beyond each other’s Facebook pages. I looked on your site and only found the link to your Facebook page, and I confess I can’t remember your IRL name to search for you. *blushes*

  5. I figure that if you’d be happy to tell a stranger on a bus, it’s OK to put online. Also, if sex was not fun, we humans would have become extinct a looooooong time ago. More stuff that makes sex fun for more people can only be good for the human race.

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