In. Mah. Damn. HOUSE.

I’ve been having a pretty hard time with the idea of having an almost teenager. But it’s kind of bittersweet. I will miss his baby-ness and his boy-ness, but I dearly love the lower maintenance version of my manchild.

I no longer have to worry about providing some sort of foodular sustinance about every four hours for my youngling. On Saturday mornings, the fruitbat of my loins gets up, get dressed, takes meds, makes and eats his own breakfast, and quietly (hoo buddy, if that lesson didn’t take some stellar parenting technique ass whuppin’!) watches cartoons. I, on the other hand, am free to sleep until I’m damn good and ready to haul my lazy ass out of bed. He mows the lawn. He does chores (most of the time without any threats negative reinforcement). Today I went to Tarzhay and picked up some Noxema pads for his first zit, and because I’m just that cool, a Rubik’s Cube. You know, for Just Because day. I was feeling kind of nostalgic.

That stopped the moment I picked him up from school.

He came walking up to the car with a friend, and much to my surprise, said friend enters my vehicle. *blink* *blink blink* Ah, what’s the happy-haps, man?

He indignantly replied, “Mom, I asked you about this on Wednesday.”

“Aaaand, could you enlighten me as to my response, because it completely escapes my memory.”

“I said, ‘Mom, I wondered, can Friend come stay the night Friday’ and you said, ‘Ok, let me ask Dad.'”

“Aaaand, somehow this translated directly into ‘Sure thing, son, we’re on?!'”


Hunky had been on the phone so he needed to be brought up to speed. As soon as he was, he said, “You know your Mom forgets things, and that if her answer involves talking to me about it, that is not the green light.”

Resignedly, because we’re complete and utter lame-os who must be grudgingly tolerated, “Ok,” he says.

So we drove home, and all went into the house and scattered; the boys to do their thing, and HunkyDory to do their thing. (That would be goofing around on the Innernets on each of their respective computers. Sheesh.) Before they scattered like roaches when you turn a light on, I unceremoniously tossed the Noxema pads and Rubik’s Cube at Rocky with a terse, “Use morning and night.” Hrmph. Damn nostalgia.

About an hour went by, and all of a sudden, I wrinkled my nose and inhaled a little more deeply.


OMG, something’s on fire!

Just then, Hunky came out of his cave office, and said, “Do you smell cigarette smoke?”

Oh. No. He. DIH-ENT! Uh, duh, I’m a smoker! I know cigarette smoke, especially when it’s not supposed to be in my damn house. Oh, haaay-ells, no, kid; I don’t even get to smoke in my damn house!

“Uh, yeah.”

“Where’s it coming from?”

At the same moment, our heads turned to the closed bathroom door about 10 feet away. And our jaws dropped. Then our voices.

“Would Friend actually be smoking in the bathroom?!”

“Are you shitting me?! He couldn’t be that dumb, could he?!”

[Pause for a second, because I want to share a thought that popped in my mind. HunkyDory on Whose Line Is It Anyway? and we’re doing the skit where you can only ask questions. Ok, moving on.]

“You wouldn’t think so, would you?”

“What are we going to do about it?”

“We, who, white man?!”

“You’re going to leave me to deal with this alone?!?!”

“Is a Bear Catholic?!?!”

“Aw, shit.”

[Pause again, ha, he loses! Dory wins! The crowd roars! Ok, moving on.]

So Friend comes out of the bathroom. I’ll save you the gory details, but there was a very stern talking-to, in which it was communicated that not only was smoking a really bad idea, but smoking in someone else’s non-smoking house was an even worse idea. I threw in my two cents by grumpily reiterating my point that I didn’t even get to smoke in my own damn house. Friend’s Dad was called. (Times like this make me really ok with the fact that I can’t use the phone anymore.) And Friend was picked up about a half hour later.

Because I don’t even get to smoke in my own damn house. That’s the important part to take away from this experience. Riiiiight.

Rip it, roll it, and punch it, dude. Please keep all body parts within the vehicle. And a reminder that no smoking is allowed on this ride; if smoke is detected, the sprinklers will automatically turn on, and an electric shock will go off under the offender’s ass. Because I don’t even get to smoke in my own damn house. Thank you for your cooperation.

11 thoughts on “In. Mah. Damn. HOUSE.

  1. Sounds like something I would have done when I was young and stupid. I seem to remember another idiot with whom we both associated that DEFINITELY would have done that. 😀 Granted, Friend is an idiot, but not the only one out there. Good reaction tho. I fixed the smoking in the house thing by setting up a hookah on the porch. Much more relaxing and too complicated a setup for the kidlets. Apple flavor is fantastic… :mrgreen:

  2. Welcome to the world of teenagers – you’re going to be fabulous, cool parents. Although I have to say that friend has some bear assed cheek…..what was Rocky’s reaction?

  3. Ha ha ha ha! Oh I can’t believe “Friend” was silly enough to smoke IN THE BATHROOM. Ha!

    Although, if it had been me, the moment I realized what was going on, that bathroom door would have been flat on the floor and I would have been standing there with steam coming out of my ears.

    You know, like that bull in the bugs bunny cartoons?

    Wow. Kids. Just…wow. 12 yr old boys? *shakes head* Boy, are you in for a ride… 🙄

  4. Wow. Just. Wow. I know if I’d have been caught smoking at that age anywhere, I wouldn’t be here to write this comment. And in a friend’s house? Well, my folks would still be whuppin my dead hide…
    I show things like this to my wife to convince her kids can wait a bit…

  5. WOW!!!! All I can do is sit here and continue to blink at my screen. I even had to read the blog a few times over to make sure i was reading it correctly! WOW WOW WOW

  6. Now I can remove my hand from my wide open in shock mouth to type a Where’s The Fries?!?!? Of course Rocky denies all knowledge of smoking and of course he has never smoked….hmmm…if “friend” is smoking that conversation about how smoking is gross and expensive and dirty and smelly and turns your teeth funny colors and leaves marks in your shirt pocket where you keep your pack and the nights that you leave your pack on the trunk of a car and they end up on the road by Mt. Vernon Rd on the way to Taco Bell at 2 am (is this a run-on sentence yet?) NEEDS to happen AGAIN! Please Please tell me he isn’t 12!! It’s been like WHAT THREE days??

  7. @fabboyfab @CityGirl:
    But I think I made my point about it being waaaay beyond “Like a train wreck” 😉

    Oh, good, I’m glad it’s working for you 🙂

    Ummmmmm, I DID just tell the whole story you silly, drunk woman! 🙂 I’ll tell you who the
    friend is later, I think you’ve met him.

    I had to look up hookah… You made me learn
    something new! It’s so good to hear from you, throw in your two cents ANYTIME! 🙂

    He basically denied all knowledge of everything. He didn’t know Friend smoked, he didn’t
    know Friend was going to smoke just then, Friend has never offered him a smoke, etc etc
    and I’m sure you’ve heard it all before. This is gonna suck! That poor kid almost shit
    his pants when Hunky said that he was going to have to tell his dad, because he would
    want to know if Rocky did that. My question was, why in the world did the idiot do it in
    mah house?! He coulda just went outside behind the garage and I woulda never known!

    I keep saying I’m gonna stop feeding them so they’ll stay little and cute. Hunky says
    that makes them little and sickly, though.

    I LOVE that cartoon!! I have it on my Looney Tunes DVDs! Hahaha!

    Hahaha! I had a girlfriend that did that when she was staying at my house once! She
    almost barfed, and I was laughing so hard I peed a little!

    Just say NO. To kids. AND drugs.

    Hahaha! See what you have to look forward to someday??? I only have to worry about two
    little penises; you have to worry about every little penis that sniffs around your

    Oh, believe me, we have reiterated that argument until he can practically recite it back
    to us!

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